So I have a new idea. Another quote, if you will. Third one from my favorite band. It combines my favorite lyrics from their new CD. (Lyrics may come from Any Other Way, I Feel Alive, Art of War, and Find You There)
You can take my heart and you and take my home
but you will never ever break my soul
Don't want to sleep cause I'm wide awake and dreaming
So I absolutely and undeniably hate my job. That's it. Sure it's just a fast food restaurant. I'm not meant to like it. But when you're put through constant teasing and tormenting and pranks... it gets old... and nasty... and you start to hate people, and life again. It brings back all of the bad memories you don't want to deal with, because there's no point anymore (except for the memories of your asshole ex boyfriend who just used you over and over again and you kept falling for the sweet, same bullshit talk over and over again. Those are ever present).
But when you A) work with mostly high school students and B) supposed adults who do nothing but fuck around, torment you for no reason, and act just like the high school kids you despise working with, you hate going to work. You start to hate life again. And it sucks because I need this job. I just can't up and quit. I'm paying for college out of pocket so for me to quit and try to find a new job... that's not an option.
Also: The managers don't do shit. They say your their favorite because you work the hardest and your the best with customers. Well if I'm the best fucking employee at this god damn mother fucking job then do yours and take care of the problems. When I say I quit and mean it, you won't take me seriously, because you never do anyways. I'm too fucking weird for you to take seriously. I'm too fucking joker like that you won't believe me. And you punish me for stupid shit that others get away with. Well what the flying monkey's ass fuck!? how is that fair!? I always come in early for you. I always stay late for you. I always give up my days off for you god damn mother fucking people!? So how is this fucking fair!?
Not only that, but when I come to work, I want to count my drawer and WATCH YOU MOTHER FUCKING PEOPLE LOG ME ON!!!!! I'M TIRED OF COMING IN, BEING HANDED A HEADSET, NOT VERIFYING MY DRAWER IS AT $150.00, AND EXPECTED TO TRUST YOU GUYS!? I DON'T TRUST ANY OF YOU PIECES OF SHIT FOR AS FAR AS I CAN THROW YOU!!!! NOT ONLY THAT, DO NOT PUT INCOMPETENT, LAZY ASSES ON MY DRAWER AND LET THEM USE IT WHEN A) I'M NOT EVEN IN THE FUCKING BUILDING AND B) WHEN I'M ON MY GODDAMN BREAK! THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!
Not just that. I hate it when I'm off getting something and taking an order, and their on my register putting it in. I get it, you're trying to help. I really do get it. But I can memorize long orders and if I need to verify it with the customer, then I will. There is a reason why I do drive thru order taking! I can multitask like that, unlike you little high school bitches who just want to be on your phones all fucking shift and gossip like there's no tomorrow! And then you wonder why I get angry!?
Look I don't like the attitudes. I don't like the behaviors. So I'll be a bitch to get you guys to fucking understand that I'm not fucking around! I'm tired of getting used all the time by people and getting treated like shit when I do my best to treat you guys how I want to be treated. I already get enough of that bullshit outside of work (and you wonder why I feel so down all the mother fucking time). I have a hard time dealing with shit as it it and when you treat me like this at work... well it won't end pretty in the long run.
I can't wait till I either A) Drop out of college and move to Canada, B) Drop out to be a tattoo artist because I can't stand school any longer or my fucking job, or C) I finish school, get my degree, and can apprentice in a tattoo shop.
it shouldn't have gone like that
I shouldn't have given myself to him like that
I shouldn't have let it happen
but all the while it was going on
I was thinking it felt so wrong
then we talked for the first time in ages
and I realized why
It was never him
It'll never be him again
I let myself get used
while trying to forget
I wish distance wasn't an issue
I wish you were here
maybe I'd stop letting myself get hurt like that
because I wouldn't have to hide
I wouldn't lock them away
I wouldn't let someone hurt me for me
I wish we could finish our conversation
I wish we could have another night like we did
sweet
innocent
loving even
because I regret everything I've done
with him
to try and hide from myself
I wish I didn't regret anything
I wish I didn't regret letting myself get hurt
I regret it all
and I want you to see
want you to understand
that I regret it all
because it was never about him
or me
it was always about you
but I'll be content with what I have
and I won't push it on you
because I don't want to add you
to my list of regrets
I'm scared of ruining us
I'm scared of losing you
friend
love
I'm scared of losing you
and regretting us meeting
because I can't control myself anymore
I need to build that wall back up
and not let you see
I need you
I want you
and I regret giving myself to him
because it's a mistake
trying to get hurt so I don't have to hurt myself
but it's all hurt
and all regret
because I'm wanting, needing someone
who I can't have
if you ever see this
I hope you know
I do care
I want YOU
only you right now
and I sound so angst filled
but it's the truth
I hope you spoke the truth
that if distance weren't an issue
because I'm done regretting
I blocked the feelings out for a reason. You gave me reasons why, I accepted them, I blocked mine out, and focused on a brilliant friendship that we had. Then we talked last night and you said you were thinking of coming down here next fall. I got excited. I was going to get to see you in person. But then I started thinking about my feelings. We brought them up again, casually, and it did nothing to alarm me. But knowing I could meet you next year caused me to panic. I didn't want to screw things up. I still don't. I'm scared. What if I do something when we do finally meet in person and not over skype?
I've always said one of the first things I want to do when we meet is take a nap with you to see if it helps us and our lack of sleep problems we both have. What if that's too far? I have a habit of taking things too far with someone or letting them get too far too fast and it screws everything up! I don't want to get hurt again because I screwed up. I do enough of that to myself anyways, I don't want it to happen again.
And what happens when you leave? Things would have to go back to the way they are now... I'm confused. I'm scared. I don't know how to feel. You said your lost because you don't know how far to take things. Part of me wants to say 'just give me a chance. We might have miles and a national border between us but we'd make it work somehow. I know the last time you took a chance like this it didn't work out but please... please give me a chance.' but I won't say it. Because it's not fair to you for me to sway your decision like that. I told you last night it's a decision that you have to make.
I'm so scared that everything from last night was a dream. I don't want it to be a dream. I haven't felt my pulse hit that high over someone in a long time. I haven't felt so at peace with someone like that in a long time. I haven't felt those emotions in so long. Sure I cried, but last night was the best night I had ever had with anyone.
Why did I allow myself those feelings? Why did I allow it to go that way!? Why did I set myself up for heartbreak!? Why!?
I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? So this is making me stronger... right? This feeling of being scared??? Is it?
February 14, 2005, the URL youtube.com was registered for the first time ever. On April 23, a few months later, the very first video was uploaded to the site, and the site officially launched in November of that very same year. Now in 2013, Youtube has become much more than just a website for sharing new videos and uploading goofy videos of yourself and your friends. Two annual Youtube Conventions- Playlist Live held in Orlando, FL and Vidcon in Anaheim, CA- with a brand new film festival dedicated to just Youtube content and it’s creators, Buffer Festival in Toronto, Canada, bring together content creators and their fans for face to face interactions, and celebrate the brilliance of youtube. Along with these new, innovative conventions to bring together the youtubers and youtube enthusiasts alike, came the creation of Vlogging (video blogging). While Vlogging began back in 2000, vlogging has exploded over the last couple of years and it can easily be said to have become the new reality television. Reality television is not reality television anymore. The vlog has redefined it to actually be the documentation of real life, the ordinary and the extraordinary events of life rather than the loosely scripted shows to enhance the ‘realness’ of the situations reality tv film. Popularized by youtubers such as Charles and Alli Trippy of the channel Internet Killed Television, Shay Carl Butler of the channel Shaytards and Apprentice A productions (with their vlogging channel Apprentice Eh, vlogging is a new wave of entertainment that is becoming a phenomena.
Vlogging is the evolved form of personal blogging, the internet equivalent to the diary/journal. Blogging involves the discussion about day to day, month to month, year to year activities and events, the good and the bad, the insignificant and the significant. It can also involve thoughts around social, political, and economic events that the author of the blog finds to be interesting and important. Vlogging has taken that concept and moved into video format, with the length of videos ranging from 3 minutes to 20+ minutes (pushing an hour long with the greatly important events such as the weddings of two vloggers, and holidays). It’s slowly taken over as the new television, specifically reality television. Reality television shows are mocks of real life. They put people in situations where they usually have to outlast their fellow cast mates with the promise of large amounts of money and, to a degree, fame if they make it to the end of the season without being voted off. With shows like Amazing Race, teams of two are put against each other, travel the world, and complete tasks in order to advanced to the next round. This a perfect example of how reality tv is scripted. Another example of scripted reality tv is with the show Big Brother. Cast members are put in a house together and the last one in the house is the winner. With this, comes task for power in the house for a length of time. Most people have come to realized how scripted reality tv with these shows, especially if it seems that one particular team or person seem to be getting an advantage over others. Survivor is a harder show to see as scripted, but with the challenges that are created for the tribes to compete in, it is scripted to a degree. The additions of the challenges in certain reality tv shows takes away the realness of the show, making it seem rigged at certain points of the show. That’s not what reality means. It means the real, unexpected events that take place. Vlogging, literally, is just the day to day activity of a person or persons. The internet has evolved to take everything that people love about television, and put it on sites such as youtube. The internet literally killed television because people can easily find episodes of their favorite shows or their favorite movies uploaded to sites like youtube. Vlogging has taken reality tv and literally made it about real life, real events, real people. While the people in reality tv shows like Survivor and Amazing Race are real and not actors, certain situations they go through are not. Vlogging has taken the idea of putting real life people in typically theoretical situations and made them real, except for the idea of being put into a deserted island situation to see what happens. It’s simply the documentation of a person’s day to day activities rather than the staged challenges and the set up drama that is reality television.
Youtube in general has people from all over the world that have hit fame status, all through one viral video from person to person. Some of these people have kept their viral status and become youtube celebrities, famous in their own rights. A lot of them have started second channels, connected to their original channels, for vlogs, whether they be random, monthly, weekly, or even daily. People sit down and watch their vlogs, wanting a look into their day to day lives and actually enjoy them. The Internet Killed Television is the vlog channel for Charles and Alli Trippy, a married couple out of Bradenton, Florida. Charles began making youtube videos while he worked at a movie theatre, using downtime during shows to do so. He and Alli had grown up in the same places, knew the same people, and even went to school in the same areas, but did not know each other until Myspace. They had started dating in December of 2008, right around Christmas time, and began vlogging together in May of 2009. On October 5, 2009, 3,889, 069 people watched their daily vlog where they got engaged in Valencia, Spain (recorded on October 4, 2009), where Alli was doing a study abroad program for college(Surprise Marriage Proposal in Spain!!!). 5 years later, Charles and Alli were given the Guinness Book of World Records for having uploaded a youtube video every single day for the past 5 years without missing a day, while Charles was in New York City in August of 2013 and hit one million subscribers to date (that number has since risen to 1.1 million and continues to rise). Shay Carl is another famous youtuber who does youtube full time, along with his wife Colette, and his kids, who go by stage names ending with ‘Tard’ (Sontard, Princesstard, Babytard, Rocktard, and child number 5 on the way who has not gotten a name yet). The Shaytards channel is one of the most watched vlog channels on youtube, having hit one million subscribers in December of 2012, right around Christmas/ New Years Eve. Interesting enough, Shay and his family are not shy about talking about their religion on camera (they belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or Mormon for short), where others may keep that aspect of their lives private. Prank vs Prank is a channel run by a couple named Jessie and Jeana of Phillidelphia. They are well known on youtube for posting videos of them pulling pranks on each other, and the world. Jessie and Jeana have over 3 million subscribers on their main channel and have over 2 million subscribers on their daily vlog channel. There are a vast number of youtubers that people watch daily vlogs on youtube and they’ve done it for long enough where the viewers actually consider themselves friends with those youtubers, many of whom viewers have yet to meet in person. The title of Charles and Alli’s vlog channel rings true, The Internet Killed Television because people are starting to watch shows and movies on youtube, and also they are starting (slowly but surely) to watch these peoples’ daily lives. Vlogging has become the new reality television.
In January of 2013, Shay Carl Butler of the Shaytards and Corey Vidal of Apprentice A productions (another youtuber who hit viral status in 2008 with his video Star Wars Acapella (John Williams is the Man) and runs the Canadian based youtube company) announced the creation of Vlogumentary (then titled I’m Vlogging Here!) and launched an Indiegogo page to raise money for Corey and his team to travel to America and spend 6 months here filming the documentary. Vlogumentary, in short, is a documentary film created to define vlogging, how Youtube Creator became a viable job choice, and how vlogging has changed the industry of Youtube. Corey and his team, who also filmed Charles and Alli’s wedding (which was nicknamed the royal wedding of youtube), reached their goal by the end of the month of $180,000 and surpassed it by nearly $22,000. In March of 2013, Corey and his team traveled from Toronto, Canada to Los Angeles, California and on March 5, 2013, they began shooting for the documentary on the 5 year anniversary of the Shaytards, before traveling to Orlando, FL for Playlist Live (and to shoot B roll for the documentary). After Playlist Live ended, they kicked off a three month road trip across the United States in Sarasota, FL with Charles and Alli Trippy and ended back in Los Angeles, in June of 2013. In August, as two of the last main stage events at VidCon, Corey, Shay, and Apprentice A shot the last few B roll shots. One shot was of We the Kings, the band that Charles Trippy plays bass, playing one of their largest shows to date, with 9,000+ people screaming, chanting, and singing right along with them. They also released the trailer for Vlogumentary (which had gotten the Green Band from the Motion Picture Association of America (mpaa) only about a week before), and released the trailer on youtube at the exact same time. In this trailer, We the Kings new single Just Keep Breathing is featured as the music (We the Kings will be providing music for the film). A line at the end of the trailer really brings to mind what youtube is all about. “If you can turn on a camera, for one minute and make a connection with ONE person, you’re a youtuber” (Alli Trippy Vlogumentary trailer). Youtube isn’t about reaching celebrity status. No one on youtube ever expected to reach that. Youtube is about making videos, having fun, and connecting with people. Even the people who have only a handful of subscribers on their channels are youtubers.
Vlogging has become the new reality tv. It has taken over the concept of reality tv, and redefined it so that reality really does mean reality. “Youtube is not just the future of entertainment, it’s the present of entertainment” (Chris Pirillo Vlogumentary Trailer). People are moving away from tv and moving towards youtube, discovering the side of youtube that isn’t the cat videos and the music videos for their favorite band or pop singer. They’re discovering the skits and the short films of the Youtube community and through that, they are discovering Vlogging. Vlogging is the new ‘Big Brother’, so to speak, and it’s a phenomena that is not going to be dying out any time soon.
So recently my all time favorite band ever, We the Kings, launched a Indiegogo page to raise money for their 4th album! I honestly got super duper excited, and then all the sudden, really sort of sad at the same time. Why? Well because let's face it: I still have $1,098 and change left for semester one of college. Contributing my next pay check (which was my first thought) would put me at the end of November in terms of payment. If I did about $100 of my next pay check towards school and the rest towards the band, end of October, early November. So I was at a stand still, fighting a battle on the inside as I tried to prepare for my first live model experience for my Drawing 1 class.
In the end, I decided I was going to do it. Yeah they have some really cool perks and I know they have more to come (as they announced in a Google+ hangout video that was uploaded to Danny's youtube account) but that's not what it's about. It's about the art, the music, and inspiring others in their day to day lives. It's about helping out people who had, honestly with one single song, helped me find that one last reason I needed to stay alive, and to keep living even after the wounds had healed. It was about trying to give back a very very small portion of what they gave me, even if I gave it to them in a far different way than they had given me.
I had the immense honor of meeting the band back in July when they came to Denver for SummerFest (as pictured):
I have to say they are seriously (and I know I've said this before and if I haven't, then I'm an idiot) some of the most honest, sincere, and down to earth people I've ever met. They are some of the funniest people I've met too, and it was nice to actually make that one final connection I needed to know that I was not dreaming and that I could relate to these guys, and (luck, karma, and every higher being that could potentially exist be willing) be friends with them. I love them with all my heart, just as fiercely as I love the very few real friends I have in this world. So helping out fellow artists (even though our trades are different) is means more to me than nearly anything else in this world.
They saved me, now I'm going to do what I can and help them. College be damned. I'll be done and paid off for the semester by November and I will be fine. I know I will be. I'd still do it anyways and make it work. Why? Because these men deserve it, more than anyone else I know. It's time to help another dream come true by contributing what I can, when I can.
Travis, Coley, Hunter, Charles, and Danny: If you guys ever actually see this, thank you so so much for being so amazing! I love you guys with all of my heart and soul! If I ever get the chance to meet you guys again, I'll have to tell you this in person. But for now, I'll leave it here. I love you guys so very very much. Keep rocking, keeping inspiring, keep being you. And most importantly: Just Keep Breathing :) Love you guys! <3 Can't wait till my next pay check so I can help you guys out!
Sooo recently I just had THE BEST NIGHT EVER OF MY LIFE! Like no joke, this was seriously the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time. Why you may ask? We the Kings that's why!
And who is We the Kings you may ask? Well... they're this epically amazing band from Florida that's who! That's right, a band. I went to my first concert EVER! Friday, July 19th 2013, I spent the entire day downtown (after a very long, 12 hour shift on very little sleep), in line (first in line with my friend in fact), to see We the Kings with Keep it Cute, The Ready Set, and T Mills as my first concert. I couldn't contain my excitement the entire week, even with the crappy week at work I had.
Keep it Cute, The Ready Set, and T Mills were amazing. They really were, but if we're going to be honest, they weren't who I was there to see. While I was impressed with them and will probably listen to them in the future, I was here for Travis Clark, Danny Duncan, Hunter Thomsen, Coley O'Toole, and Charles Trippy, AKA WE THE KINGS! I was in the second row for the first three acts but when the girls in front of me left after T Mills, I got pretty much shoved into the barrier and was front and center for the night that made my year and life! I could hardly contain my excitement as I watched Yoshi and Scooter move out T Mills equipment and set up the band's stuff. I was freaking out the entire time! And when Danny took the stage behind his drum set and the crowd went wild, I think I was screaming the loudest. Coley and Hunter came on next, and again, everyone went crazy. Charles and Travis were next and I couldn't take my eyes off of that gorgeous ginger that is Travis Clark. Charles was definitely taller than I had expected (I'm a huge CtfxC fan, which is his youtube channel), and very gorgeous (let's face it, they all are).
The entire time, I was screaming, jumping, dancing, singing along the entire time, getting as many pictures and videos as I could because I wanted to capture that moment forever. This is not something I'm going to forget.
Something hit me when Travis was introducing Just Keep Breathing. He wrote this song as an 'in your face' sort of song for the bullies he dealt with as a kid (apparently the original title was Fuck you you fucking bullies) but also as an inspirational song for those who have lost hope with the day to day life. It hit me why I was (am) so affected by this song. It's because he's coming from personal experience. He knows what it's like to be pushed around and picked on. And he came out ok in the end.
Now I'm going to digress for a moment here and say this: life has gotten a bit better. But there have been moments when I was ready to relapse into hurting myself, into doing whatever I can to either block the memories and pain that was triggering because of the people I deal with at work, from life in general, or to make myself feel something again, because I was starting to become numb. I found myself at the edge of the cliff a few times, staring over, one foot slightly over the edge again. And this is around the time Just Keep Breathing came out. I remember listening to that song for the very first time and sobbing for a long time after. From relief, from happiness, from something inside of me that wasn't hating myself for letting the bullies get to me, for letting the person who has done nothing but use me and my feelings for him to get what he wants in the end, making me hate myself with so much loathing. Now, Just Keep Breathing is my song. It's my song for life.
Realizing for the first time how I was relating to the song and to Travis, I kept my eyes on him the entire time. It warmed me to the bones when that song was being performed and I just got happier (if that was possible) in that moment. Nothing was going to bring me down after that.
The concert continued and before I knew it, they were playing the last two songs in the set: Say You Like Me and Check Yes Juliet. I can't describe to you what I felt during Say You Like Me other than with a video.
There. The moment when we start singing the chorus for the second time. I was off center but you can see when Travis leans down, takes my hand, holds it for a moment, and gives me his guitar pick. I nearly died then. Also: Charles pointed right at my camera, the second time he acknowledged that I had the same camera he uses for his daily vlogs. Words can't describe that moment. It's something I won't be likely to forget.
When the show ended, there was a huge crowd of course to meet the band. But the actual line for the meet and greet was shorter than I was expecting. I'm surprised I didn't start crying or something when I finally got up to them (something I'm grateful DIDN'T happen). I had done 5 drawings for them, one of each of them, and they were (surprisingly) impressed with them. Travis went so far as to say I made him look sexier than he was (which is not true, BTW. Seeing him in person, up close, made me think I could never hope to convey the beauty that is that sexy, sweet, ginger).
All in all, a night I will never forget. And I hope Travis reads this and reads what I was trying to tell him about Just Keep Breathing in the few short moments I had with him. I just want him to read it and understand how much one song has affected a 19 year old, plain girl with short hair and a few tattoos from Denver, Colorado, and how true he made his statement of 'Music is the only thing not fucked up in this world' is. Because of him and the entire We the Kings band, life is good. Life is amazing now. And this is definitely, the best night of my life. I cannot wait until they come to Denver again! Because you can bet, I'll be front row, dead center, sunburned from waiting 6+ hours outside, dead on my feet from the last few days of work, but just as excited I was on July 19, 2013. You can bet I will be there, front and center, screaming 'I love you' at the band, trying to touch Travis', Charles', Hunter's, and Coley's hand, and will be in line for a meet and greet with the band, because they are worth it.
So tonight, I saw a production done by my high school's (that I graduated from last year, FYI) Harlequin Player acting class called The Laramie Project. Essentially this blog post is going to be a short review of the performance and the emotions and thoughts I had during and after the show.
So for those of you who do not know, The Laramie Project is a play that was written about Matthew Shepard, a student of the University of Wyoming who was tragically beaten and died, due to the plain and simple fact that he was gay. The play centers around the reactions of the people of Laramie, Wyoming and brought attention to the lacking laws centered around hate crime.
That being said, it is a very dark play. It does not involve anything light and humorous. While it did have a line here and there that brought out a few chuckles from the audience, it was not uplifting. It was downright depressing and brought even the toughest of people in the audience to tears. Eaglecrest's theatre teacher Neil Truglio decided to do this play after the horrible shooting at the Aurora, Colorado movie theater that left my hometown in a wake of violence. In all honesty, I couldn't think of a better set of young actors and actresses to portray the characters that they did and I couldn't think of a better person to lead them other than Neil. It was fascinating to me to watch the faces of the students that I had watched, and worked with my senior year of high school, go through this play. They played real people, multiple characters, and pulled it off amazingly. What got me the most was watching the faces of these incredibly talented people at the beginning of Act Two, seeing the tears streaming down their faces as they showed the audience what they were feeling when they visited the site where Matthew was bound and beaten. It was a fantastic show that was, understandably, difficult to pull off. The Harlequin Players of Eaglecrest High School pulled off such a gut wrenching, heart breaking, dark show with the grace and dignity that it deserved.
I'm an easy person to get to cry, most days. Emotionally speaking, I'm very in tune with them, Sometimes, too in tune with my emotions. As much as I went into the theater to see this performance, prepared for a few tears, I was not expecting what I felt. By the end of Act One, I was sobbing. Being a bisexual female in this day in age, the show made me realize how easy I've had it (in a way) concerning my sexuality. I've never been called a fag or a dyke. The most I've gotten was being told that I have to choose one or the other, I can't like both genders. But that's so not true. But the show wasn't just about hate crimes against the LBGT community. It was about hate crime in general, and bullying. It pulled my heart into my throat. My throat closed up from trying to keep the frustrated screams I wanted to let out, because of how affected I was by the show. I kept thinking to myself 'Wow. I've been lucky. I've been bullied about my weight and my personality before, but I've gotten off easy. I've never had anyone straight up call me something like that just because I like boys and girls. I've had it so easy. I hope I never ever have to go through something like that.'
I remember looking up at the ceiling during the performance, trying to hold back tears, praying to an entity I don't necessarily believe in, wondering why HE could have let something like that happend, why it happened. I remember praying to that entity that I never woke up to a phone call or woke up to see that someone I knew was on the news, dead, because he/she was gay. I prayed that I never experience that kind of hate directly and I prayed that no one I knew had to go through that. I know it'll take a long time for it to change, but I still prayed, for the first time in a very very long time to someone I didn't necessarily believe in nor did I know if I should or should not believe in.
That show earned the standing ovation it got tonight. It earned it. I am so very thrilled for the cast and crew members that I knew for a job very well done. I know I walked away from that theater a changed person, and I hope others were affected in a positive way too.
SO! I haven't posted in a while because things have been insane at work. BUT I did get to do something pretty amazing last night. I met Terrance Zdunich, Darren Lynn Bousman, and Saar Hendelman. Not just met, but got a picture taken with, got their autographs, HUGGED THEM, and got to speak with them and listen to them talk about their films, Repo the Genetic Opera and The Devil's Carnival episode 1!
So please note that I have been very nervous about meeting them since I bought my tickets and very excited BUT I did not faint (like I wanted to from sheer nerves) nor did I cry (again from sheer nerves). I got to meet three incredibly amazing and down to earth people and had a wonderful night viewing their films, listening to them talk about the films and about The Devil's Carnival episode 2, and saw the debute of the Emilie Autumn music video that Darren directed (which was amazing, FYI!)!
It was the one night where I could dress up in my heels, my gothic skirt, my corset, my elbow length, lacy gloves, do my makeup a little darker than normal, and not feel like a complete freak. Everyone dressed up in some way, shape, or form for the event (there was also someone dressed as a Repo Man, which I thought was pretty neat!)
Before we were even let into the building for the VIP experience, Terrance popped his head out of the door and had a full on conversation with my friend, Shannon, and I for about ten minutes (and didn't think it was weird that I stalk them on twitter and youtube!). Not only that, during intermission when I stopped him to apologize for being too much of a fan girl, he was like 'don't apologize. We're all a little weird here and you aren't freaking me out'. Seriously one of the sweetest guys I've met! All three of them are super sweet and they know how to put on a good show! I can't wait for them to come back to Denver so I can meet them again! Seriously one of the greatest nights of my life! Everything was amazing and I'm so glad I got to go!
****EDIT****
Here are some pictures of the posters I got from that night:
So I've been talking to my friend (like usual) and somehow (probably me venting... again) we came onto the topic on wanting to finally be able to fall asleep in someone's arms, as in our significant others. It reminded me of a thought that I have frequently when I see my friends paired off together, married and having kids: It may not be written in the stars for me.
I say this because I've had a string of bad luck in terms of my romantic relationships. It's like I'm meant to fall for people, only to have my heart torn apart as I realize what I gave to someone isn't what I should have given and that I trusted them with the entire me when all they wanted was to use me before leaving me cold. Maybe I'm meant to just be alone with my art.
If that's the case, then I have a plan. I know that I want to have children. If I don't get married (actually this will be the case if I do get married anyways), I'm going to adopt a few children. Why? Because they need love most of all in this world and if someone is going to provide it as best as they can with what they have, then it's going to be me. I want to have children of my own flesh and blood, but I feel like adopting would be an amazing thing to do. If I don't get married, then I'm taking the love that I know I have and giving it to someone(s) who hasn't really experienced it in their lives. And if I do get married, then I'm going to adopt anyways, for the same reasons: give love to someone who hasn't had it in their lives before.
That's my full on plan (also throw in a bunch of lizards, snakes, cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, ferrets, birds, etc in there). Art and providing love where I can, even if I don't have someone to call my own, my one lover. I'm getting married once and only once, if it's in the stars for me. Thats it.
I'm tired of feeling lonely, readers. I really am. It seems like I have feelings for those who either A- don't want me B- live too far away or C- are too old for me and really don't have interesting me (and the magical D- those who don't know I exist *coughNickPiteracoughcoughcough* but that's ok. Maybe one day....
In other news: I'M MEETING DARREN BOUSMAN AND TERRANCE ZDUNICH IN A LITTLE UNDER THREE WEEKS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm FREAKING out because artistically speaking, these two are two of my favorite current day artists (as in those who are still alive, kicking and well, and yeah)! I'm going to be taking them a couple of Repo! The Genetic Opera and Devil's Carnival inspired paintings! I'm so nervous! I'm just... wow I can't believe it's going to happen. I bought my first corset for the event, going to buy a skirt next thursday, and then fishnet tights and maybe a black cloak (if I can find a sort of short, cheap one)!!! So excited!
I'm glad to be painting again. I told my friend Evan I would do a painting (or two) for him but I haven't really started any of them. I have part of the background done on one (and I don't count that) and the drawing for another but... yeah. I'm forcing myself to paint again because I'm starting college in August and my major is studio art, funny enough.
Anyways that's enough for tonight. It's been a long few days (and I'm sure I'll tell you guys about it in a few days)
One of my biggest fears is being left. Alone, emotionally and mentally. I know I'm not physically alone but when you connect with someone mentally and emotionally, and then they leave you... that's my biggest fear. I've already experienced it once. I didn't walk away without scars or tears. So what happens to me if it happens again?
I'm scared and angry. I like my canadian already. I'm attatched to hm. He's in my life and he's changed it for the better. So what is it going to be like if he does leave my life, even when he says he's not? What if I fuck up so badly that he just... leaves me on the cold hard ground like everyone else has?
Sometimes I want to escape it all, escape reality. I hate it sometimes. But I can't. Because I know what I do to escape it and I've promised him not to do it anymore. Any of the things that I did to escape my reality. And I'm scared of disappointing him. I'm scared that my actions will hurt him. I'm scared that I'm going to push too hard too fast with too many problems and he's going to give up on me. I'm scared
It's so weird. I was so looking forward to go bowling tonight (well last night as it's 4am and I'm just getting home, not that my parents need to know that). It was going to be me and a bunch of friends from work. Then I got a text saying the 28 year old who's pining for me (AKA the Boy toy as I'll call him, even though he is not my boy toy) was going to come. I sorta flipped out because I knew I couldn't flirt with one of my coworkers if he was going to be there because I was going to feel awful.
Well the night started off great. True to my word, I sucked at bowling (but that's ok). But then that feeling I knew all too well started creeping over me. That feeling of being utterly alone when surrounded by friends. Luckily I didn't break down and start crying there. I was able to hold it back.
And maybe that my Canadian and I texting helped me keep it in, especially knowing how things might be between us if we lived closer than we do to each other. Or maybe that's a delusion my mind is making up.... ok off topic now. Anyways, I started feeling like crap, like I needed to hit someone or cry. But neither happened and for that I'm grateful. But as I'm telling my Canadian this, he reminded me (something I had heard many times before in my upper classman days in High School from my favorite teacher) that I don't need to be stone all the time, that it's ok to lose it.
Well here's what I have to say to my Canadian (and I know he reads these blogs now that I've started actually using them and have linked him to it): I CAN TRY AS HARD AS I CAN/WANT TO BE FUCKING STONE! I hate losing control of my emotions in public and I loathe losing it in front of people that I care about, romantically and publically. I even told him that I hope to the god that I don't believe in that I never ever lose control of my emotions in front of him. I don't ever want him to see me like that. I don't want to lose it so bad in front of him that it pushes him away. It's happened one too many times, I'm not going to lose another friend because of my problems. I feel guilty enough about telling him everything and feel like I'm whining every single time I'm having one of my withdrawl headaches (because let's face it, hurting yourself is an addiction) and having a cranky day because of it. So I need to be a stone wall most of the time... I don't know! URGH! I just want to figure this out! I need things to make sense!
That hurt. Way more than it should have. I'm ashamed to say it but it's true. You know I have feelings for you. But even me admitting to you and out loud to myself that I don't have one fucking fighting chance with you because of distance (if only distance) hurt... way more than I wanted.
I want the dreams to end now. I want everything to stop. I want to keep you as my friend. But I fear one day, down the road, I'm going to tell you outright exactly how I feel and just get rejected. I know that actually. And I'm sitting here, crying now because I know the truth, as much as I hate it right now.
I know I'm too far away for you. I know you don't want to experience that pain again. But maybe, if you'll let me somewhere down the road, we could make it work. Maybe down the road I'll get my chance. But I doubt it. You like her, she's closer to home, and you're very much like me: Stubborn as hell when it comes to certain things and this is one of those things. I don't see it changing any time soon. I don't see myself getting a chance. So I guess I'll deal with being alone right now. I'll be content with having you in my life as my friend. I'm going to have to be anyways... my luck isn't going to change.
So today marks the beginning of the Chinese new year! This year is Year of the Snake (fitting for I am a Slytherin to the core and belong to the house of snakes :p). However, I was not born under the year of the snake! I am born under the Year of the Dog! I do take my astrology seriously (well not my daily horoscopes but the signs I was born under, like the Year of the Dog for my birthyear and the Gemini star for my birth month and day) and it's funny how I fit the traits of this chinese zodiac (as well as the Western zodiac).
Idk what I want to say anymore but I find it fascinating every time I read something about my signs, because it's like reading a little bit about my personality and how I am as a person, because I can see myself in these traits.
Also: I finally made a little bit of money off of youtube... now we're talking $0.03 for now but still! Ah!! That's insane!
So I think I mentioned in a previous blog about how I'm use to nightmares and not really remembering my normal dreams. Well... Lately I have been dreaming about one thing in particular. Yes it does involve someone. No I won't say who, only because I'd rather not.
I've been having these dreams about a particular person for a bit, but they use to be just hazy images of their face. But now, I'm starting to remember the dreams in detail, clearer than I have for a while. One particular dream is just us, laying outside, underneath a tree, staring at each other. I believe it's fall (because the leaves are reds and yellows and oranges now). It's just a pretty setting, with him and I. He's got this goofy little smile on him that fits his face ever so clearly. He reaches out and brushes a strand of hair from my face before caressing it softly. I think he leans in to kiss me but it cuts out there.
Another dream I have with this person.... well it's snowing. Not like snow storm worthy but the soft kind, the romantic sort of snow where everything is quiet and beautiful and perfect. We're walking along together when he pulls me in close and we start dancing. My head is on his shoulder, and I can hear his heart beating, feel it even. It's just a perfect setting...
But like all good things, these dreams end and I wake up to a cold, harsh reality. Which is why my chest hurts every time I think of these dreams. I'm left wanting something, a dream, that isn't guarenteed to come true. And I don't know why, but this really hurts me. There's something I learned early on and that not all dreams come true. So why am I dreaming something and feel like it may not happen, as much as I want it to happen.
Is it possible to want something so much, that it will come true? Or am I just dreaming for something that I won't get?
So this morning I had a ten mile run. Yes, I ran ten miles. Well I ran the first six, then ran/walked the last four miles. It was BRUTAL. So many hills and everything from the hips down cramped up and every step was painful.
But it was pretty. I was out in the middle of nowhere really, running through snow covered hills *cue Fleetwod mac song* and was, for the first time in a while, at peace with myself. Sure I hated what I was doing then. I wanted to stop running, give up, and have someone come pick me up. But that didn't happen. I trudged along and for the first time, I embraced the loneliness and quiet. It was beautiful.
I feel bad that I broke the promise to him already. But it's not something that I can deal with overnight. So should I feel bad? or should I not? idk what to think anymore!!!!!!!
So last night Evan and I were talking on Skype, as usual since we started talking somewhere that wasn't twitter, and somehow we got to talking about how it's easy for girls to hide if they're aroused. The question I posed to him, say when we finally hang out, IF I showed you I was interested in you and wanted a little something from you, would you reject me?, was met with the answer of: depends. Now the conversation goes from there by the explanation of the depends and what not. Now I just want to say this: a good portion of our conversation about that was me just reassuring him that I understood where he and I both were at this moment with each other and that, because of where my head is right now, I can't be in a relationship at all. He and I are too new of being friends for me to be in one with him anyways.
I'm really glad he and I got that out in the open. Am I attracted to him? Yes. Evan is an amazing person and I'm very attracted to him as it stands now. But this conversation with him didn't say things are going to stay at friends or move past that. Evan and I left it out in the open in a very comfortable spot, I believe, and maybe a bit down the road, it'll go one way or another. It'll hit that fork in the road and it'll take one or the other. So he didn't outright reject me. No he did the complete opposite of what I expected him to say (either an outright yes, I'd reject you or a No I'd go for what you were offering me).
Over the last few years, I've learned something from the few relationships I've been in. Relationships where you've just sorta kind of met the person and you don't know very well, head one way too fast and then you're either not in the relationship or you are, based on getting to a specific point too early in the relationship. They end badly with one or both parties resenting the others. And I'm sick of that happening with me. I've learned what I want in that department (which is really odd because I don't have a clear vision of who I am as a person and what I want for myself right now). If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone and potentially fall in love with them, it's going to be a friend, a friend that I know very well and am comfortable 100% around. I'm sick of there being no foundation of trust, understanding, and comfortableness around relationships and them failing. I'm tired of watching relationships fail because the people involved don't know and understand each other.
At this point, I'm glad I know that Evan and I can come to that fork in the road with our relationship down the line and have to decide: Relationship or just stay friends. And I think that, based on how things are right now, we could go either way and things would be good :) Things would be very good.
Wow. I think it's time for a really long blog post. I haven't actually posted since september (except for a video I made talking about the fact that one year had passed since Shawn Yoho had died).
What's up in my life? Oh nothing much. Just... dealing with my feelings (AKA ignoring them). Concerning what you may ask? I'll tell you what: People. Life. just trying not to think about the demons that exist in me that are threatening to break loose again.
I'm scared that because of recent events, these demons will take over again. I don't want that. I did HORRIBLE things to myself back when they did start to take over me. I don't want that again. I don't want the period of where I just stopped eating except for a few meals a week to come back. I don't want the long sleepless nights where I just laid in bed, staring at my ceiling, wishing things would just end. I don't want the pain I caused myself. I don't want that. It was horrible and it was so very hard to even get that to end. It's a scary place too.
I hate being this brutally honest, especially to myself, but I don't want the cycle to keep going... because this time there is NO ONE here to stop me from it all. HE walked out of my life (by force, as I have to remind myself), HE's not here anymore. And I know that if this cycle keeps going the way I fear it may be going, I don't know how far it will go this time. I don't. And I'm terrified.
The world see this perfect little smile coming from this happy little 18 year old girl. But they don't know anything. And it's hard being this guarded. But after years of being tormented for no reason, and years of being used (as I finally found out)... how can I not be this guarded? How can I let my heart and soul out to someone when all the signs point to disappointment and hurt? How can I risk being hurt again with someone? How can I trust someone with the demons that exist in me and run the risk of them being used against me? How can I let go of my insecurities and finally tell everything to someone again, in hopes of them understanding? How can I let go of my walls and tell my story to someone who can't even be here with me? How can I trust someone with my secrets when they may just walk out of my life again? How can I do that to myself again?
I haven't felt this alone in such a long time. But there really is truly no one here. And I know that I don't really have any viewers but I'm telling this in hopes that I can look back at this years down the road and tell myself "you did it. You won and you did it by yourself. You didn't need someone to help you" or tell myself "look. You won. You let someone in and you beat your demons with the help of that one person who really completes you."
