It's so weird. I was so looking forward to go bowling tonight (well last night as it's 4am and I'm just getting home, not that my parents need to know that). It was going to be me and a bunch of friends from work. Then I got a text saying the 28 year old who's pining for me (AKA the Boy toy as I'll call him, even though he is not my boy toy) was going to come. I sorta flipped out because I knew I couldn't flirt with one of my coworkers if he was going to be there because I was going to feel awful.
Well the night started off great. True to my word, I sucked at bowling (but that's ok). But then that feeling I knew all too well started creeping over me. That feeling of being utterly alone when surrounded by friends. Luckily I didn't break down and start crying there. I was able to hold it back.
And maybe that my Canadian and I texting helped me keep it in, especially knowing how things might be between us if we lived closer than we do to each other. Or maybe that's a delusion my mind is making up.... ok off topic now. Anyways, I started feeling like crap, like I needed to hit someone or cry. But neither happened and for that I'm grateful. But as I'm telling my Canadian this, he reminded me (something I had heard many times before in my upper classman days in High School from my favorite teacher) that I don't need to be stone all the time, that it's ok to lose it.
Well here's what I have to say to my Canadian (and I know he reads these blogs now that I've started actually using them and have linked him to it): I CAN TRY AS HARD AS I CAN/WANT TO BE FUCKING STONE! I hate losing control of my emotions in public and I loathe losing it in front of people that I care about, romantically and publically. I even told him that I hope to the god that I don't believe in that I never ever lose control of my emotions in front of him. I don't ever want him to see me like that. I don't want to lose it so bad in front of him that it pushes him away. It's happened one too many times, I'm not going to lose another friend because of my problems. I feel guilty enough about telling him everything and feel like I'm whining every single time I'm having one of my withdrawl headaches (because let's face it, hurting yourself is an addiction) and having a cranky day because of it. So I need to be a stone wall most of the time... I don't know! URGH! I just want to figure this out! I need things to make sense!
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