Keep Holding On

I have to keep telling myself

that you aren't like him

that you aren't leaving me any time soon

but there's that voice in the back of my head

I can't help but think

that you're going to leave me in the end

after changing my life like you have

and I don't think I could handle it if you did

you tell me your not going to

but what if you do? 

what then?

what happens to me?

One of my biggest fears is being left. Alone, emotionally and mentally. I know I'm not physically alone but when you connect with someone mentally and emotionally, and then they leave you... that's my biggest fear. I've already experienced it once. I didn't walk away without scars or tears. So what happens to me if it happens again? 

I'm scared and angry. I like my canadian already. I'm attatched to hm. He's in my life and he's changed it for the better. So what is it going to be like if he does leave my life, even when he says he's not? What if I fuck up so badly that he just... leaves me on the cold hard ground like everyone else has?

Sometimes I want to escape it all, escape reality. I hate it sometimes. But I can't. Because I know what I do to escape it and I've promised him not to do it anymore. Any of the things that I did to escape my reality. And I'm scared of disappointing him. I'm scared that my actions will hurt him. I'm scared that I'm going to push too hard too fast with too many problems and he's going to give up on me. I'm scared