Wow. I think it's time for a really long blog post. I haven't actually posted since september (except for a video I made talking about the fact that one year had passed since Shawn Yoho had died).
What's up in my life? Oh nothing much. Just... dealing with my feelings (AKA ignoring them). Concerning what you may ask? I'll tell you what: People. Life. just trying not to think about the demons that exist in me that are threatening to break loose again.
I'm scared that because of recent events, these demons will take over again. I don't want that. I did HORRIBLE things to myself back when they did start to take over me. I don't want that again. I don't want the period of where I just stopped eating except for a few meals a week to come back. I don't want the long sleepless nights where I just laid in bed, staring at my ceiling, wishing things would just end. I don't want the pain I caused myself. I don't want that. It was horrible and it was so very hard to even get that to end. It's a scary place too.
I hate being this brutally honest, especially to myself, but I don't want the cycle to keep going... because this time there is NO ONE here to stop me from it all. HE walked out of my life (by force, as I have to remind myself), HE's not here anymore. And I know that if this cycle keeps going the way I fear it may be going, I don't know how far it will go this time. I don't. And I'm terrified.
The world see this perfect little smile coming from this happy little 18 year old girl. But they don't know anything. And it's hard being this guarded. But after years of being tormented for no reason, and years of being used (as I finally found out)... how can I not be this guarded? How can I let my heart and soul out to someone when all the signs point to disappointment and hurt? How can I risk being hurt again with someone? How can I trust someone with the demons that exist in me and run the risk of them being used against me? How can I let go of my insecurities and finally tell everything to someone again, in hopes of them understanding? How can I let go of my walls and tell my story to someone who can't even be here with me? How can I trust someone with my secrets when they may just walk out of my life again? How can I do that to myself again?
I haven't felt this alone in such a long time. But there really is truly no one here. And I know that I don't really have any viewers but I'm telling this in hopes that I can look back at this years down the road and tell myself "you did it. You won and you did it by yourself. You didn't need someone to help you" or tell myself "look. You won. You let someone in and you beat your demons with the help of that one person who really completes you."
But maybe that's just a dream
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