Scared.... very scared

I blocked the feelings out for a reason. You gave me reasons why, I accepted them, I blocked mine out, and focused on a brilliant friendship that we had. Then we talked last night and you said you were thinking of coming down here next fall. I got excited. I was going to get to see you in person. But then I started thinking about my feelings. We brought them up again, casually, and it did nothing to alarm me. But knowing I could meet you next year caused me to panic. I didn't want to screw things up. I still don't. I'm scared. What if I do something when we do finally meet in person and not over skype?

 I've always said one of the first things I want to do when we meet is take a nap with you to see if it helps us and our lack of sleep problems we both have. What if that's too far? I have a habit of taking things too far with someone or letting them get too far too fast and it screws everything up! I don't want to get hurt again because I screwed up. I do enough of that to myself anyways, I don't want it to happen again.

And what happens when you leave? Things would have to go back to the way they are now... I'm confused. I'm scared. I don't know how to feel. You said your lost because you don't know how far to take things. Part of me wants to say 'just give me a chance. We might have miles and a national border between us but we'd make it work somehow. I know the last time you took a chance like this it didn't work out but please... please give me a chance.' but I won't say it. Because it's not fair to you for me to sway your decision like that. I told you last night it's a decision that you have to make.

I'm so scared that everything from last night was a dream. I don't want it to be a dream. I haven't felt my pulse hit that high over someone in a long time. I haven't felt so at peace with someone like that in a long time. I haven't felt those emotions in so long. Sure I cried, but last night was the best night I had ever had with anyone.

Why did I allow myself those feelings? Why did I allow it to go that way!? Why did I set myself up for heartbreak!? Why!?

I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? So this is making me stronger... right? This feeling of being scared??? Is it?