Regrets

it shouldn't have gone like that
I shouldn't have given myself to him like that
I shouldn't have let it happen
but all the while it was going on
I was thinking it felt so wrong

then we talked for the first time in ages
and I realized why
It was never him
It'll never be him again
I let myself get used
while trying to forget

I wish distance wasn't an issue
I wish you were here
maybe I'd stop letting myself get hurt like that
because I wouldn't have to hide
I wouldn't lock them away
I wouldn't let someone hurt me for me

I wish we could finish our conversation
I wish we could have another night like we did
sweet
innocent
loving even
because I regret everything I've done
with him
to try and hide from myself

I wish I didn't regret anything
I wish I didn't regret letting myself get hurt
I regret it all
and I want you to see
want you to understand
that I regret it all
because it was never about him
or me
it was always about you

but I'll be content with what I have
and I won't push it on you
because I don't want to add you
to my list of regrets
I'm scared of ruining us
I'm scared of losing you
friend
love
I'm scared of losing you
and regretting us meeting
because I can't control myself anymore

I need to build that wall back up
and not let you see
I need you
I want you
and I regret giving myself to him
because it's a mistake
trying to get hurt so I don't have to hurt myself
but it's all hurt
and all regret
because I'm wanting, needing someone
who I can't have

if you ever see this
I hope you know
I do care
I want YOU
only you right now
and I sound so angst filled
but it's the truth

I hope you spoke the truth
that if distance weren't an issue
because I'm done regretting