Dreams and Plans

So I've been talking to my friend (like usual) and somehow (probably me venting... again) we came onto the topic on wanting to finally be able to fall asleep in someone's arms, as in our significant others. It reminded me of a thought that I have frequently when I see my friends paired off together, married and having kids: It may not be written in the stars for me.

I say this because I've had a string of bad luck in terms of my romantic relationships. It's like I'm meant to fall for people, only to have my heart torn apart as I realize what I gave to someone isn't what I should have given and that I trusted them with the entire me when all they wanted was to use me before leaving me cold. Maybe I'm meant to just be alone with my art.

If that's the case, then I have a plan. I know that I want to have children. If I don't get married (actually this will be the case if I do get married anyways), I'm going to adopt a few children. Why? Because they need love most of all in this world and if someone is going to provide it as best as they can with what they have, then it's going to be me. I want to have children of my own flesh and blood, but I feel like adopting would be an amazing thing to do. If I don't get married, then I'm taking the love that I know I have and giving it to someone(s) who hasn't really experienced it in their lives. And if I do get married, then I'm going to adopt anyways, for the same reasons: give love to someone who hasn't had it in their lives before.

That's my full on plan (also throw in a bunch of lizards, snakes, cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, ferrets, birds, etc in there). Art and providing love where I can, even if I don't have someone to call my own, my one lover. I'm getting married once and only once, if it's in the stars for me. Thats it.

I'm tired of feeling lonely, readers. I really am. It seems like I have feelings for those who either A- don't want me B- live too far away or C- are too old for me and really don't have interesting me (and the magical D- those who don't know I exist *coughNickPiteracoughcoughcough* but that's ok. Maybe one day....

In other news: I'M MEETING DARREN BOUSMAN AND TERRANCE ZDUNICH IN A LITTLE UNDER THREE WEEKS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm FREAKING out because artistically speaking, these two are two of my favorite current day artists (as in those who are still alive, kicking and well, and yeah)! I'm going to be taking them a couple of Repo! The Genetic Opera and Devil's Carnival inspired paintings! I'm so nervous! I'm just... wow I can't believe it's going to happen. I bought my first corset for the event, going to buy a skirt next thursday, and then fishnet tights and maybe a black cloak (if I can find a sort of short, cheap one)!!! So excited!

I'm glad to be painting again. I told my friend Evan I would do a painting (or two) for him but I haven't really started any of them. I have part of the background done on one (and I don't count that) and the drawing for another but... yeah. I'm forcing myself to paint again because I'm starting college in August and my major is studio art, funny enough.

Anyways that's enough for tonight. It's been a long few days (and I'm sure I'll tell you guys about it in a few days)

I'm Sorry

I started something

I shouldn't have started

I want something

I shouldn't be wanting

I'm sorry

I feel awful

that I keep bringing it up

because I know

that nothing I say or do

will change your mind

for that

I'm sorry

I wish the situation was different

I wish I wasn't this damaged

I wish I wasn't so far away from you

I wish I wasn't fucked up

I'm sorry

I'm grateful we're friends

I'm grateful I found someone to trust

I'm grateful you're 'here' 

I'm learning to make do

I'm sorry for bringing it up all the time

when I know your heart belongs to someone else

I'm just sorry

On My Own

I can talk to you all I want

I can dream all I want

I can wish all I want

but in the end

I'm on my own

I've been friendzoned before

but this one hurts the most

I wish you could see

what you're doing to me

but I'm not going to tell you

because I don't want to upset you

I wish I was with you

in your arms

looking up at your face

with that soft smile on mine

but alas

I'm in Colorado

You're in Canada

and I'm on my own

I'm ok but not ok

I'm falling, but I'm ok

I'm hurt but I'm ok

I'm not cutting

I'm not starving

I'm not taking more medication that my body can handle

I'm ok

Or at least

I keep telling myself that...

And I wish you would talk to me

because you shouldn't be the one to just listen

I've been there before

I know what it's like

talk to me

even if I don't understand the situation

I'm here for you

just like you're here for me

but maybe I'm delusioned

maybe I'm creating a false reality for myself

and it's not like I haven't done that before

because I have

I'm ok

but not ok

I know you aren't truly ok

you're just as broken as I am

so let me try to help you

even if I can't really help myself

let me try

just like you've been here for me

don't leave me to be the only one getting help

you deserve it 

just like I do

you're ok

but not ok

I'm ok

but not ok

we're in this together

it's a two way street

not a one way alley 

talk to me

you're ok

but not ok

I'm ok

but not ok

we can lean on each other you know

Keep Holding On

I have to keep telling myself

that you aren't like him

that you aren't leaving me any time soon

but there's that voice in the back of my head

I can't help but think

that you're going to leave me in the end

after changing my life like you have

and I don't think I could handle it if you did

you tell me your not going to

but what if you do? 

what then?

what happens to me?

One of my biggest fears is being left. Alone, emotionally and mentally. I know I'm not physically alone but when you connect with someone mentally and emotionally, and then they leave you... that's my biggest fear. I've already experienced it once. I didn't walk away without scars or tears. So what happens to me if it happens again? 

I'm scared and angry. I like my canadian already. I'm attatched to hm. He's in my life and he's changed it for the better. So what is it going to be like if he does leave my life, even when he says he's not? What if I fuck up so badly that he just... leaves me on the cold hard ground like everyone else has?

Sometimes I want to escape it all, escape reality. I hate it sometimes. But I can't. Because I know what I do to escape it and I've promised him not to do it anymore. Any of the things that I did to escape my reality. And I'm scared of disappointing him. I'm scared that my actions will hurt him. I'm scared that I'm going to push too hard too fast with too many problems and he's going to give up on me. I'm scared

I Feel

I feel angry

I feel upset

I feel overwhelmed

I feel hungry

I feel starved

I feel fat

I feel alone

I feel lost

I feel closed in

I feel like I'm falling

I can be a fucking stone wall if I want to be

It's so weird. I was so looking forward to go bowling tonight (well last night as it's 4am and I'm just getting home, not that my parents need to know that). It was going to be me and a bunch of friends from work. Then I got a text saying the 28 year old who's pining for me (AKA the Boy toy as I'll call him, even though he is not my boy toy) was going to come. I sorta flipped out because I knew I couldn't flirt with one of my coworkers if he was going to be there because I was going to feel awful.

Well the night started off great. True to my word, I sucked at bowling (but that's ok). But then that feeling I knew all too well started creeping over me. That feeling of being utterly alone when surrounded by friends. Luckily I didn't break down and start crying there. I was able to hold it back.

And maybe that my Canadian and I texting helped me keep it in, especially knowing how things might be between us if we lived closer than we do to each other. Or maybe that's a delusion my mind is making up.... ok off topic now. Anyways, I started feeling like crap, like I needed to hit someone or cry. But neither happened and for that I'm grateful. But as I'm telling my Canadian this, he reminded me (something I had heard many times before in my upper classman days in High School from my favorite teacher) that I don't need to be stone all the time, that it's ok to lose it.

Well here's what I have to say to my Canadian (and I know he reads these blogs now that I've started actually using them and have linked him to it): I CAN TRY AS HARD AS I CAN/WANT TO BE FUCKING STONE! I hate losing control of my emotions in public and I loathe losing it in front of people that I care about, romantically and publically. I even told him that I hope to the god that I don't believe in that I never ever lose control of my emotions in front of him. I don't ever want him to see me like that. I don't want to lose it so bad in front of him that it pushes him away. It's happened one too many times, I'm not going to lose another friend because of my problems. I feel guilty enough about telling him everything and feel like I'm whining every single time I'm having one of my withdrawl headaches (because let's face it, hurting yourself is an addiction) and having a cranky day because of it. So I need to be a stone wall most of the time... I don't know! URGH! I just want to figure this out! I need things to make sense!

Untitled Poem

I feel my heart beat fast

my palms get sweaty

head pounding

I know this feeling

I've been down this road before

I know where It could lead

I need to fight harder this time

I'm not going to let addiction win

Well

That hurt. Way more than it should have. I'm ashamed to say it but it's true. You know I have feelings for you. But even me admitting to you and out loud to myself that I don't have one fucking fighting chance with you because of distance (if only distance) hurt... way more than I wanted.

I want the dreams to end now. I want everything to stop. I want to keep you as my friend. But I fear one day, down the road, I'm going to tell you outright exactly how I feel and just get rejected. I know that actually. And I'm sitting here, crying now because I know the truth, as much as I hate it right now.

I know I'm too far away for you. I know you don't want to experience that pain again. But maybe, if you'll let me somewhere down the road, we could make it work. Maybe down the road I'll get my chance. But I doubt it. You like her, she's closer to home, and you're very much like me: Stubborn as hell when it comes to certain things and this is one of those things. I don't see it changing any time soon. I don't see myself getting a chance. So I guess I'll deal with being alone right now. I'll be content with having you in my life as my friend. I'm going to have to be anyways... my luck isn't going to change.

It's Chinese New Year... and youtube money

So today marks the beginning of the Chinese new year! This year is Year of the Snake (fitting for I am a Slytherin to the core and belong to the house of snakes :p). However, I was not born under the year of the snake! I am born under the Year of the Dog! I do take my astrology seriously (well not my daily horoscopes but the signs I was born under, like the Year of the Dog for my birthyear and the Gemini star for my birth month and day) and it's funny how I fit the traits of this chinese zodiac (as well as the Western zodiac).

Idk what I want to say anymore but I find it fascinating every time I read something about my signs, because it's like reading a little bit about my personality and how I am as a person, because I can see myself in these traits.

Also: I finally made a little bit of money off of youtube... now we're talking $0.03 for now but still! Ah!! That's insane!

Dreaming normal dreams... that make my chest hurt with emotion?

So I think I mentioned in a previous blog about how I'm use to nightmares and not really remembering my normal dreams. Well... Lately I have been dreaming about one thing in particular. Yes it does involve someone. No I won't say who, only because I'd rather not.

I've been having these dreams about a particular person for a bit, but they use to be just hazy images of their face. But now, I'm starting to remember the dreams in detail, clearer than I have for a while. One particular dream is just us, laying outside, underneath a tree, staring at each other. I believe it's fall (because the leaves are reds and yellows and oranges now). It's just a pretty setting, with him and I. He's got this goofy little smile on him that fits his face ever so clearly. He reaches out and brushes a strand of hair from my face before caressing it softly. I think he leans in to kiss me but it cuts out there.

Another dream I have with this person.... well it's snowing. Not like snow storm worthy but the soft kind, the romantic sort of snow where everything is quiet and beautiful and perfect. We're walking along together when he pulls me in close and we start dancing. My head is on his shoulder, and I can hear his heart beating, feel it even. It's just a perfect setting...

But like all good things, these dreams end and I wake up to a cold, harsh reality. Which is why my chest hurts every time I think of these dreams. I'm left wanting something, a dream, that isn't guarenteed to come true. And I don't know why, but this really hurts me. There's something I learned early on and that not all dreams come true. So why am I dreaming something and feel like it may not happen, as much as I want it to happen.

Is it possible to want something so much, that it will come true? Or am I just dreaming for something that I won't get?

This morning...

So this morning I had a ten mile run. Yes, I ran ten miles. Well I ran the first six, then ran/walked the last four miles. It was BRUTAL. So many hills and everything from the hips down cramped up and every step was painful.

But it was pretty. I was out in the middle of nowhere really, running through snow covered hills *cue Fleetwod mac song* and was, for the first time in a while, at peace with myself. Sure I hated what I was doing then. I wanted to stop running, give up, and have someone come pick me up. But that didn't happen. I trudged along and for the first time, I embraced the loneliness and quiet. It was beautiful.

I Hate Mirrors

Hello there

yeah you in the mirror

haven't seen you in a while

you're looking pale

your eyes are gaunt

why so gloom? 

what's that

that upon your wrist

the cuts?

Sure

I've heard that story before

yeah no I don't believe you

I can see the truth so clear

why are you trying to lie? 

Oh wait

this is me

trying to hide from the truth 

my lies suck now

even I don't believe them anymore

I fucking hate looking into mirrors now

I feel bad

I feel bad that I broke the promise to him already. But it's not something that I can deal with overnight. So should I feel bad? or should I not? idk what to think anymore!!!!!!!

:(

I broke the promise already

I know this cycle

I know this cycle

all too well

hands shake

chest tightens up

I hold the tears back

as long as I can

until I can hide away in the shadows

before letting out a scream

the chills take over

my nails get bitten

this is a cycle 

I know way too well

I'm ready for the cycle to end

I'm done with the tears

and the feeling of clausterphobia

I'm done

Will You have Me? Will You Hold Me? Will You Kiss Me?

Somewhere down the road

down this crazy insane road

will you have me? 

will you hold me? 

will you kiss me? 

I know it's a lot to ask

but will you be my friend first? 

then will you be my everything?

will you be my other half? 

would you be willing

to help me through the healing process first

get to know me

then maybe go down the right hand fork

rather than the left?

I want someone to call my own

to hold me at night

to kiss the tears away

will you be that 

down the road

down this crazy insane road 

we call life? 

I know it's a lot to ask

but would you be willing

to do that for me? 

What I've learned from Relationships Thus far

So last night Evan and I were talking on Skype, as usual since we started talking somewhere that wasn't twitter, and somehow we got to talking about how it's easy for girls to hide if they're aroused. The question I posed to him, say when we finally hang out, IF I showed you I was interested in you and wanted a little something from you, would you reject me?, was met with the answer of: depends. Now the conversation goes from there by the explanation of the depends and what not. Now I just want to say this: a good portion of our conversation about that was me just reassuring him that I understood where he and I both were at this moment with each other and that, because of where my head is right now, I can't be in a relationship at all. He and I are too new of being friends for me to be in one with him anyways.

I'm really glad he and I got that out in the open. Am I attracted to him? Yes. Evan is an amazing person and I'm very attracted to him as it stands now. But this conversation with him didn't say things are going to stay at friends or move past that. Evan and I left it out in the open in a very comfortable spot, I believe, and maybe a bit down the road, it'll go one way or another. It'll hit that fork in the road and it'll take one or the other. So he didn't outright reject me. No he did the complete opposite of what I expected him to say (either an outright yes, I'd reject you or a No I'd go for what you were offering me).

Over the last few years, I've learned something from the few relationships I've been in. Relationships where you've just sorta kind of met the person and you don't know very well, head one way too fast and then you're either not in the relationship or you are, based on getting to a specific point too early in the relationship. They end badly with one or both parties resenting the others. And I'm sick of that happening with me. I've learned what I want in that department (which is really odd because I don't have a clear vision of who I am as a person and what I want for myself right now). If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone and potentially fall in love with them, it's going to be a friend, a friend that I know very well and am comfortable 100% around. I'm sick of there being no foundation of trust, understanding, and comfortableness around relationships and them failing. I'm tired of watching relationships fail because the people involved don't know and understand each other.

At this point, I'm glad I know that Evan and I can come to that fork in the road with our relationship down the line and have to decide: Relationship or just stay friends. And I think that, based on how things are right now, we could go either way and things would be good :) Things would be very good.

Promises

to you I promise

to try and stop

to try and break my addiction

to try and break the cycle

to you I promise

to let you help me through

this agony

this loneliness I feel

to you I promise

to stop the hurting

to put down the razor

to force myself to eat

for you I promise
to stop taking more than the reccomended dosage
and take only what is required
no more than that

for you I promise
to wake up each morning
and find the beauty in the sunrise
and go to bed having found something good that day

for you I promise
to be grateful for the life I live
and for the life I am going to live
and not blame myself for things beyond my control

to you I promise this

that I will get better

because I want to live to see you in person

to give you a hug

to you I promise

that when we meet

it won't be in a hospital bed

or at my graveside

to you I promise 

to stop hurting myself

and learn to heal

rather than not

To Hold Onto (an original poem)

I'm just a lost soul

looking for something, anything

to hold on to

I need something real for once

and not empty promises

I need someone that I can believe in

when I don't even believe in myself

but dreams don't become reality

especially when they're so far away 

I'm ready to give myself over to the side

where things are ok

where the demons don't exist

I want mine to go away

but I don't have anything to hold onto 

I need something, someone

anything, anyone 

to hold onto

I'm tired of the empty promises

I'm tired of letting myself get used

I'm tired of the pain I cause myself

I'm tired of trusting blindly

even though I want to trust blindly and not have to worry

I don't understand why I'm hurting

only that I am

I need something, someone

anything, anyone

to give me something to hold on to

I'm flailing, starting to sink back into this darkness

I need something, someone

anything, anyone

to hold on to

I want to learn how to trust and love again

I want to believe in myself

and I want to believe that everything gets better

but that's a hard thing to convince myself of

I need something, someone

anything, anyone 

to hold on to

Falling faster barely breathing give me something to believe in tell me it's not all in my head take what's left of this man make me whole once again

I feel weak

I need help

I need something

someone 

anything

anyone

to hold on to

Why?

Why am I so scared
of the demons inside?
I've beaten before
but why do I think I won't now?

Why am I so scared
of trusting someone so far away
with parts of me
no one else knows?

Why am I so scared
that I'm not going to win this time?
Why do I feel like
this battle is going to be harder?

Why is this happening once again
when it was getting better!?

Why am I so scared
of these demons inside?

Maybe just a dream...

Wow. I think it's time for a really long blog post. I haven't actually posted since september (except for a video I made talking about the fact that one year had passed since Shawn Yoho had died).

What's up in my life? Oh nothing much. Just... dealing with my feelings (AKA ignoring them). Concerning what you may ask? I'll tell you what: People. Life. just trying not to think about the demons that exist in me that are threatening to break loose again.

I'm scared that because of recent events, these demons will take over again. I don't want that. I did HORRIBLE things to myself back when they did start to take over me. I don't want that again. I don't want the period of where I just stopped eating except for a few meals a week to come back. I don't want the long sleepless nights where I just laid in bed, staring at my ceiling, wishing things would just end. I don't want the pain I caused myself. I don't want that. It was horrible and it was so very hard to even get that to end. It's a scary place too.

I hate being this brutally honest, especially to myself, but I don't want the cycle to keep going... because this time there is NO ONE here to stop me from it all. HE walked out of my life (by force, as I have to remind myself), HE's not here anymore. And I know that if this cycle keeps going the way I fear it may be going, I don't know how far it will go this time. I don't. And I'm terrified.

The world see this perfect little smile coming from this happy little 18 year old girl. But they don't know anything. And it's hard being this guarded. But after years of being tormented for no reason, and years of being used (as I finally found out)... how can I not be this guarded? How can I let my heart and soul out to someone when all the signs point to disappointment and hurt? How can I risk being hurt again with someone? How can I trust someone with the demons that exist in me and run the risk of them being used against me? How can I let go of my insecurities and finally tell everything to someone again, in hopes of them understanding? How can I let go of my walls and tell my story to someone who can't even be here with me? How can I trust someone with my secrets when they may just walk out of my life again? How can I do that to myself again?

I haven't felt this alone in such a long time. But there really is truly no one here. And I know that I don't really have any viewers but I'm telling this in hopes that I can look back at this years down the road and tell myself "you did it. You won and you did it by yourself. You didn't need someone to help you" or tell myself "look. You won. You let someone in and you beat your demons with the help of that one person who really completes you."

But maybe that's just a dream