Friday, October 25, 2013

Physical vs Emotional

as hard as it is to believe
a person can forget
what it's like
to feel physical pain
when all they feel 
is emotional turmoil
every day
every hour
every minute
every second

sometimes it's unavoidable with them
they hit a point
where they want to feel physically hurt
and see something
rather than feel
emotions they can't see
or control

they need to feel in control
when everything is spinning out of it
they need a sharp reminder
to stay on the edge
and not fall into the abyss

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Letting go

saying my goodbye
leaving the past behind
moving forward
not looking back

I hate that I have to
but you won't stop hurting me
and I won't stop hurting myself
waiting for you to make good on your promises

this is it
you lost your chance
time to move forward
we need to go our separate ways


I hate my job

So I absolutely and undeniably hate my job. That's it. Sure it's just a fast food restaurant. I'm not meant to like it. But when you're put through constant teasing and tormenting and pranks... it gets old... and nasty... and you start to hate people, and life again. It brings back all of the bad memories you don't want to deal with, because there's no point anymore (except for the memories of your asshole ex boyfriend who just used you over and over again and you kept falling for the sweet, same bullshit talk over and over again. Those are ever present).

But when you A) work with mostly high school students and B) supposed adults who do nothing but fuck around, torment you for no reason, and act just like the high school kids you despise working with, you hate going to work. You start to hate life again. And it sucks because I need this job. I just can't up and quit. I'm paying for college out of pocket so for me to quit and try to find a new job... that's not an option.

Also: The managers don't do shit. They say your their favorite because you work the hardest and your the best with customers. Well if I'm the best fucking employee at this god damn mother fucking job then do yours and take care of the problems. When I say I quit and mean it, you won't take me seriously, because you never do anyways. I'm too fucking weird for you to take seriously. I'm too fucking joker like that you won't believe me. And you punish me for stupid shit that others get away with. Well what the flying monkey's ass fuck!? how is that fair!? I always come in early for you. I always stay late for you. I always give up my days off for you god damn mother fucking people!? So how is this fucking fair!?

Not only that, but when I come to work, I want to count my drawer and WATCH YOU MOTHER FUCKING PEOPLE LOG ME ON!!!!! I'M TIRED OF COMING IN, BEING HANDED A HEADSET, NOT VERIFYING MY DRAWER IS AT $150.00, AND EXPECTED TO TRUST YOU GUYS!? I DON'T TRUST ANY OF YOU PIECES OF SHIT FOR AS FAR AS I CAN THROW YOU!!!! NOT ONLY THAT, DO NOT PUT INCOMPETENT, LAZY ASSES ON MY DRAWER AND LET THEM USE IT WHEN A) I'M NOT EVEN IN THE FUCKING BUILDING AND B) WHEN I'M ON MY GODDAMN BREAK! THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT!

Not just that. I hate it when I'm off getting something and taking an order, and their on my register putting it in. I get it, you're trying to help. I really do get it. But I can memorize long orders and if I need to verify it with the customer, then I will. There is a reason why I do drive thru order taking! I can multitask like that, unlike you little high school bitches who just want to be on your phones all fucking shift and gossip like there's no tomorrow! And then you wonder why I get angry!?

Look I don't like the attitudes. I don't like the behaviors. So I'll be a bitch to get you guys to fucking understand that I'm not fucking around! I'm tired of getting used all the time by people and getting treated like shit when I do my best to treat you guys how I want to be treated. I already get enough of that bullshit outside of work (and you wonder why I feel so down all the mother fucking time). I have a hard time dealing with shit as it it and when you treat me like this at work... well it won't end pretty in the long run.

I can't wait till I either A) Drop out of college and move to Canada, B) Drop out to be a tattoo artist because I can't stand school any longer or my fucking job, or C) I finish school, get my degree, and can apprentice in a tattoo shop.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Am I meant?

am I meant
to hurt 
to scream
to cry
to stay silent

am I meant 
to watch as 
you grow happy
to hold my tongue

am I meant
to be on the sidelines
watching
waiting
hoping
dreaming

am I meant
not to love
but to feel 
anguished
torn apart
destroyed

am I meant
to put up a mask
to smile when you look at me
to cry when you look away

am I meant
to just be your friend
or am I meant
to love you
to have you
to hold you
am I meant for that?

am I meant
for a chance
with you? 

Regrets

it shouldn't have gone like that
I shouldn't have given myself to him like that
I shouldn't have let it happen
but all the while it was going on
I was thinking it felt so wrong

then we talked for the first time in ages
and I realized why
It was never him
It'll never be him again
I let myself get used
while trying to forget

I wish distance wasn't an issue
I wish you were here
maybe I'd stop letting myself get hurt like that
because I wouldn't have to hide
I wouldn't lock them away
I wouldn't let someone hurt me for me

I wish we could finish our conversation
I wish we could have another night like we did
sweet
innocent
loving even
because I regret everything I've done
with him
to try and hide from myself

I wish I didn't regret anything
I wish I didn't regret letting myself get hurt
I regret it all
and I want you to see
want you to understand
that I regret it all
because it was never about him
or me
it was always about you

but I'll be content with what I have
and I won't push it on you
because I don't want to add you
to my list of regrets
I'm scared of ruining us
I'm scared of losing you
friend
love
I'm scared of losing you
and regretting us meeting
because I can't control myself anymore

I need to build that wall back up
and not let you see
I need you
I want you
and I regret giving myself to him
because it's a mistake
trying to get hurt so I don't have to hurt myself
but it's all hurt
and all regret
because I'm wanting, needing someone
who I can't have

if you ever see this
I hope you know
I do care
I want YOU
only you right now
and I sound so angst filled
but it's the truth

I hope you spoke the truth
that if distance weren't an issue
because I'm done regretting

Scared.... very scared

I blocked the feelings out for a reason. You gave me reasons why, I accepted them, I blocked mine out, and focused on a brilliant friendship that we had. Then we talked last night and you said you were thinking of coming down here next fall. I got excited. I was going to get to see you in person. But then I started thinking about my feelings. We brought them up again, casually, and it did nothing to alarm me. But knowing I could meet you next year caused me to panic. I didn't want to screw things up. I still don't. I'm scared. What if I do something when we do finally meet in person and not over skype?

 I've always said one of the first things I want to do when we meet is take a nap with you to see if it helps us and our lack of sleep problems we both have. What if that's too far? I have a habit of taking things too far with someone or letting them get too far too fast and it screws everything up! I don't want to get hurt again because I screwed up. I do enough of that to myself anyways, I don't want it to happen again.

And what happens when you leave? Things would have to go back to the way they are now... I'm confused. I'm scared. I don't know how to feel. You said your lost because you don't know how far to take things. Part of me wants to say 'just give me a chance. We might have miles and a national border between us but we'd make it work somehow. I know the last time you took a chance like this it didn't work out but please... please give me a chance.' but I won't say it. Because it's not fair to you for me to sway your decision like that. I told you last night it's a decision that you have to make.

I'm so scared that everything from last night was a dream. I don't want it to be a dream. I haven't felt my pulse hit that high over someone in a long time. I haven't felt so at peace with someone like that in a long time. I haven't felt those emotions in so long. Sure I cried, but last night was the best night I had ever had with anyone.

Why did I allow myself those feelings? Why did I allow it to go that way!? Why did I set myself up for heartbreak!? Why!?

I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? So this is making me stronger... right? This feeling of being scared??? Is it?

Monday, October 7, 2013

My essay on Vlogging

Press Play
February 14, 2005, the URL youtube.com was registered for the first time ever. On April 23, a few months later, the very first video was uploaded to the site, and the site officially launched in November of that very same year. Now in 2013, Youtube has become much more than just a website for sharing new videos and uploading goofy videos of yourself and your friends. Two annual Youtube Conventions- Playlist Live held in Orlando, FL and Vidcon in Anaheim, CA- with a brand new film festival dedicated to just Youtube content and it’s creators, Buffer Festival in Toronto, Canada, bring together content creators and their fans for face to face interactions, and celebrate the brilliance of youtube. Along with these new, innovative conventions to bring together the youtubers and youtube enthusiasts alike, came the creation of Vlogging (video blogging). While Vlogging began back in 2000, vlogging has exploded over the last couple of years and it can easily be said to have become the new reality television. Reality television is not reality television anymore. The vlog has redefined it to actually be the documentation of real life, the ordinary and the extraordinary events of life rather than the loosely scripted shows to enhance the ‘realness’ of the situations reality tv film. Popularized by youtubers such as Charles and Alli Trippy of the  channel Internet Killed Television, Shay Carl Butler of the channel Shaytards and Apprentice A productions (with their vlogging channel Apprentice Eh, vlogging is a new wave of entertainment that is becoming a phenomena.

Vlogging is the evolved form of personal blogging, the internet equivalent to the diary/journal. Blogging involves the discussion about day to day, month to month, year to year activities and events, the good and the bad, the insignificant and the significant. It can also involve thoughts around social, political, and economic events that the author of the blog finds to be interesting and important.  Vlogging has taken that concept and moved into video format, with the length of videos ranging from 3 minutes to 20+ minutes (pushing an hour long with the greatly important events such as the weddings of two vloggers, and holidays). It’s slowly taken over as the new television, specifically reality television. Reality television shows are mocks of real life. They put people in situations where they usually have to outlast their fellow cast mates with the promise of large amounts of money and, to a degree, fame if they make it to the end of the season without being voted off. With shows like Amazing Race, teams of two are put against each other, travel the world, and complete tasks in order to advanced to the next round. This a perfect example of how reality tv is scripted. Another example of scripted reality tv is with the show Big Brother. Cast members are put in a house together and the last one in the house is the winner. With this, comes task for power in the house for a length of time. Most people have come to realized how scripted reality tv with these shows, especially if it seems that one particular team or person seem to be getting an advantage over others. Survivor is a harder show to see as scripted, but with the challenges that are created for the tribes to compete in, it is scripted to a degree. The additions of the challenges in certain reality tv shows takes away the realness of the show, making it seem rigged at certain points of the show. That’s not what reality means. It means the real, unexpected events that take place. Vlogging, literally, is just the day to day activity of a person or persons. The internet has evolved to take everything that people love about television, and put it on sites such as youtube. The internet literally killed television because people can easily find episodes of their favorite shows or their favorite movies uploaded to sites like youtube. Vlogging has taken reality tv and literally made it about real life, real events, real people. While the people in reality tv shows like Survivor and Amazing Race are real and not actors, certain situations they go through are not. Vlogging has taken the idea of putting real life people in typically theoretical situations and made them real, except for the idea of being put into a deserted island situation to see what happens. It’s simply the documentation of a person’s day to day activities rather than the staged challenges and the set up drama that is reality television.

Youtube in general has people from all over the world that have hit fame status, all through one viral video from person to person. Some of these people have kept their viral status and become youtube celebrities, famous in their own rights. A lot of them have started second channels, connected to their original channels, for vlogs, whether they be random, monthly, weekly, or even daily. People sit down and watch their vlogs, wanting a look into their day to day lives and actually enjoy them. The Internet Killed Television is the vlog channel for Charles and Alli Trippy, a married couple out of Bradenton, Florida. Charles began making youtube videos while he worked at a movie theatre, using downtime during shows to do so. He and Alli had grown up in the same places, knew the same people, and even went to school in the same areas, but did not know each other until Myspace. They had started dating in December of 2008, right around Christmas time, and began vlogging together in May of 2009. On October 5, 2009, 3,889, 069 people watched their daily vlog where they got engaged in Valencia, Spain (recorded on October 4, 2009), where Alli was doing a study abroad program for college(Surprise Marriage Proposal in Spain!!!). 5 years later, Charles and Alli were given the Guinness Book of World Records for having uploaded a youtube video every single day for the past 5 years without missing a day, while Charles was in New York City  in August of 2013 and hit one million subscribers to date (that number has since risen to 1.1 million and continues to rise). Shay Carl is another famous youtuber who does youtube full time, along with his wife Colette, and his kids, who go by stage names ending with ‘Tard’ (Sontard, Princesstard, Babytard, Rocktard, and child number 5 on the way who has not gotten a name yet). The Shaytards channel is one of the most watched vlog channels on youtube, having hit one million subscribers in December of 2012, right around Christmas/ New Years Eve. Interesting enough, Shay and his family are not shy about talking about their religion on camera (they belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or Mormon for short), where others may keep that aspect of their lives private. Prank vs Prank is a channel run by a couple named Jessie and Jeana of Phillidelphia. They are well known on youtube for posting videos of them pulling pranks on each other, and the world. Jessie and Jeana have over 3 million subscribers on their main channel and have over 2 million subscribers on their daily vlog channel. There are a vast number of youtubers that people watch  daily vlogs on youtube and they’ve done it for long enough where the viewers actually consider themselves friends with those youtubers, many of whom viewers have yet to meet in person. The title of Charles and Alli’s vlog channel rings true, The Internet Killed Television because people are starting to watch shows and movies on youtube, and also they are starting (slowly but surely) to watch these peoples’ daily lives. Vlogging has become the new reality television. 

In January of 2013, Shay Carl Butler of the Shaytards and Corey Vidal of Apprentice A productions (another youtuber who hit viral status in 2008 with his video Star Wars Acapella (John Williams is the Man) and runs the Canadian based youtube company) announced the creation of Vlogumentary (then titled I’m Vlogging Here!) and launched an Indiegogo page to raise money for Corey and his team to travel to America and spend 6 months here filming the documentary. Vlogumentary, in short, is a documentary film created to define vlogging, how Youtube Creator became a viable job choice, and how vlogging has changed the industry of Youtube. Corey and his team, who also filmed Charles and Alli’s wedding (which was nicknamed the royal wedding of youtube), reached their goal by the end of the month of $180,000 and surpassed it by nearly $22,000. In March of 2013, Corey and his team traveled from Toronto, Canada to Los Angeles, California and on March 5, 2013, they began shooting for the documentary on the 5 year anniversary of the Shaytards, before traveling to Orlando, FL for Playlist Live (and to shoot B roll for the documentary). After Playlist Live ended, they kicked off a three month road trip across the United States in Sarasota, FL with Charles and Alli Trippy and ended back in Los Angeles, in June of 2013. In August, as two of the last main stage events at VidCon, Corey, Shay, and Apprentice A shot the last few B roll shots. One shot was of We the Kings, the band that Charles Trippy plays bass, playing one of their largest shows to date, with 9,000+ people screaming, chanting, and singing right along with them. They also released the trailer for Vlogumentary (which had gotten the Green Band from the Motion Picture Association of America (mpaa) only about a week before), and released the trailer on youtube at the exact same time. In this trailer, We the Kings new single Just Keep Breathing is featured as the music (We the Kings will be providing music for the film). A line at the end of the trailer really brings to mind what youtube is all about. “If you can turn on a camera, for one minute and make a connection with ONE person, you’re a youtuber” (Alli Trippy Vlogumentary trailer). Youtube isn’t about reaching celebrity status. No one on youtube ever expected to reach that. Youtube is about making videos, having fun, and connecting with people. Even the people who have only a handful of subscribers on their channels are youtubers. 

Vlogging has become the new reality tv. It has taken over the concept of reality tv, and redefined it so that reality really does mean reality. “Youtube is not just the future of entertainment, it’s the present of entertainment” (Chris Pirillo Vlogumentary Trailer). People are moving away from tv and moving towards youtube, discovering the side of youtube that isn’t the cat videos and the music videos for their favorite band or pop singer. They’re discovering the skits and the short films of the Youtube community and through that, they are discovering Vlogging. Vlogging is the new ‘Big Brother’, so to speak, and it’s a phenomena that is not going to be dying out any time soon.