The Laramie Project and the effect it had on me

So tonight, I saw a production done by my high school's (that I graduated from last year, FYI) Harlequin Player acting class called The Laramie Project. Essentially this blog post is going to be a short review of the performance and the emotions and thoughts I had during and after the show.

So for those of you who do not know, The Laramie Project is a play that was written about Matthew Shepard, a student of the University of Wyoming who was tragically beaten and died, due to the plain and simple fact that he was gay. The play centers around the reactions of the people of Laramie, Wyoming and brought attention to the lacking laws centered around hate crime.

That being said, it is a very dark play. It does not involve anything light and humorous. While it did have a line here and there that brought out a few chuckles from the audience, it was not uplifting. It was downright depressing and brought even the toughest of people in the audience to tears. Eaglecrest's theatre teacher Neil Truglio decided to do this play after the horrible shooting at the Aurora, Colorado movie theater that left my hometown in a wake of violence. In all honesty, I couldn't think of a better set of young actors and actresses to portray the characters that they did and I couldn't think of a better person to lead them other than Neil. It was fascinating to me to watch the faces of the students that I had watched, and worked with my senior year of high school, go through this play. They played real people, multiple characters, and pulled it off amazingly. What got me the most was watching the faces of these incredibly talented people at the beginning of Act Two, seeing the tears streaming down their faces as they showed the audience what they were feeling when they visited the site where Matthew was bound and beaten. It was a fantastic show that was, understandably, difficult to pull off. The Harlequin Players of Eaglecrest High School pulled off such a gut wrenching, heart breaking, dark show with the grace and dignity that it deserved.

I'm an easy person to get to cry, most days. Emotionally speaking, I'm very in tune with them, Sometimes, too in tune with my emotions. As much as I went into the theater to see this performance, prepared for a few tears, I was not expecting what I felt. By the end of Act One, I was sobbing. Being a bisexual female in this day in age, the show made me realize how easy I've had it (in a way) concerning my sexuality. I've never been called a fag or a dyke. The most I've gotten was being told that I have to choose one or the other, I can't like both genders. But that's so not true. But the show wasn't just about hate crimes against the LBGT community. It was about hate crime in general, and bullying. It pulled my heart into my throat. My throat closed up from trying to keep the frustrated screams I wanted to let out, because of how affected I was by the show. I kept thinking to myself  'Wow. I've been lucky. I've been bullied about my weight and my personality before, but I've gotten off easy. I've never had anyone straight up call me something like that just because I like boys and girls. I've had it so easy. I hope I never ever have to go through something like that.'

I remember looking up at the ceiling during the performance, trying to hold back tears, praying to an entity I don't necessarily believe in, wondering why HE could have let something like that happend, why it happened. I remember praying to that entity that I never woke up to a phone call or woke up to see that someone I knew was on the news, dead, because he/she was gay. I prayed that I never experience that kind of hate directly and I prayed that no one I knew had to go through that. I know it'll take a long time for it to change, but I still prayed, for the first time in a very very long time to someone I didn't necessarily believe in nor did I know if I should or should not believe in.

That show earned the standing ovation it got tonight. It earned it. I am so very thrilled for the cast and crew members that I knew for a job very well done. I know I walked away from that theater a changed person, and I hope others were affected in a positive way too.

Stop Hurting Me

I hate you

not the person that you are

but what you're doing to me

trying to get me back

when you're still with her

I gave you everything

my heart

my soul

the one thing that was keeping me a child

I gave it all to you

for Four long years

I showed you I loved you

but you were blind

I said I loved you

but you were deaf

and now here we are

I hate you

not the person that you are

but because you left me a broken

souless

heartless

trustless 

person

take your sorries 

and the lies 

and leave me alone

stop hurting me like this

Repo! The Genetic Opera and The Devil's Carnival Double Feature and Meet & Greet

SO! I haven't posted in a while because things have been insane at work. BUT I did get to do something pretty amazing last night. I met Terrance Zdunich, Darren Lynn Bousman, and Saar Hendelman. Not just met, but got a picture taken with, got their autographs, HUGGED THEM, and got to speak with them and listen to them talk about their films, Repo the Genetic Opera and The Devil's Carnival episode 1!

So please note that I have been very nervous about meeting them since I bought my tickets and very excited BUT I did not faint (like I wanted to from sheer nerves) nor did I cry (again from sheer nerves). I got to meet three incredibly amazing and down to earth people and had a wonderful night viewing their films, listening to them talk about the films and about The Devil's Carnival episode 2, and saw the debute of the Emilie Autumn music video that Darren directed (which was amazing, FYI!)!

It was the one night where I could dress up in my heels, my gothic skirt, my corset, my elbow length, lacy gloves, do my makeup a little darker than normal, and not feel like a complete freak. Everyone dressed up in some way, shape, or form for the event (there was also someone dressed as a Repo Man, which I thought was pretty neat!)

Before we were even let into the building for the VIP experience, Terrance popped his head out of the door and had a full on conversation with my friend, Shannon, and I for about ten minutes (and didn't think it was weird that I stalk them on twitter and youtube!). Not only that, during intermission when I stopped him to apologize for being too much of a fan girl, he was like 'don't apologize. We're all a little weird here and you aren't freaking me out'. Seriously one of the sweetest guys I've met! All three of them are super sweet and they know how to put on a good show! I can't wait for them to come back to Denver so I can meet them again! Seriously one of the greatest nights of my life! Everything was amazing and I'm so glad I got to go!

****EDIT****

Here are some pictures of the posters I got from that night:

Dreams and Plans

So I've been talking to my friend (like usual) and somehow (probably me venting... again) we came onto the topic on wanting to finally be able to fall asleep in someone's arms, as in our significant others. It reminded me of a thought that I have frequently when I see my friends paired off together, married and having kids: It may not be written in the stars for me.

I say this because I've had a string of bad luck in terms of my romantic relationships. It's like I'm meant to fall for people, only to have my heart torn apart as I realize what I gave to someone isn't what I should have given and that I trusted them with the entire me when all they wanted was to use me before leaving me cold. Maybe I'm meant to just be alone with my art.

If that's the case, then I have a plan. I know that I want to have children. If I don't get married (actually this will be the case if I do get married anyways), I'm going to adopt a few children. Why? Because they need love most of all in this world and if someone is going to provide it as best as they can with what they have, then it's going to be me. I want to have children of my own flesh and blood, but I feel like adopting would be an amazing thing to do. If I don't get married, then I'm taking the love that I know I have and giving it to someone(s) who hasn't really experienced it in their lives. And if I do get married, then I'm going to adopt anyways, for the same reasons: give love to someone who hasn't had it in their lives before.

That's my full on plan (also throw in a bunch of lizards, snakes, cats, dogs, fish, hamsters, ferrets, birds, etc in there). Art and providing love where I can, even if I don't have someone to call my own, my one lover. I'm getting married once and only once, if it's in the stars for me. Thats it.

I'm tired of feeling lonely, readers. I really am. It seems like I have feelings for those who either A- don't want me B- live too far away or C- are too old for me and really don't have interesting me (and the magical D- those who don't know I exist *coughNickPiteracoughcoughcough* but that's ok. Maybe one day....

In other news: I'M MEETING DARREN BOUSMAN AND TERRANCE ZDUNICH IN A LITTLE UNDER THREE WEEKS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm FREAKING out because artistically speaking, these two are two of my favorite current day artists (as in those who are still alive, kicking and well, and yeah)! I'm going to be taking them a couple of Repo! The Genetic Opera and Devil's Carnival inspired paintings! I'm so nervous! I'm just... wow I can't believe it's going to happen. I bought my first corset for the event, going to buy a skirt next thursday, and then fishnet tights and maybe a black cloak (if I can find a sort of short, cheap one)!!! So excited!

I'm glad to be painting again. I told my friend Evan I would do a painting (or two) for him but I haven't really started any of them. I have part of the background done on one (and I don't count that) and the drawing for another but... yeah. I'm forcing myself to paint again because I'm starting college in August and my major is studio art, funny enough.

Anyways that's enough for tonight. It's been a long few days (and I'm sure I'll tell you guys about it in a few days)

I'm Sorry

I started something

I shouldn't have started

I want something

I shouldn't be wanting

I'm sorry

I feel awful

that I keep bringing it up

because I know

that nothing I say or do

will change your mind

for that

I'm sorry

I wish the situation was different

I wish I wasn't this damaged

I wish I wasn't so far away from you

I wish I wasn't fucked up

I'm sorry

I'm grateful we're friends

I'm grateful I found someone to trust

I'm grateful you're 'here' 

I'm learning to make do

I'm sorry for bringing it up all the time

when I know your heart belongs to someone else

I'm just sorry

On My Own

I can talk to you all I want

I can dream all I want

I can wish all I want

but in the end

I'm on my own

I've been friendzoned before

but this one hurts the most

I wish you could see

what you're doing to me

but I'm not going to tell you

because I don't want to upset you

I wish I was with you

in your arms

looking up at your face

with that soft smile on mine

but alas

I'm in Colorado

You're in Canada

and I'm on my own

I'm ok but not ok

I'm falling, but I'm ok

I'm hurt but I'm ok

I'm not cutting

I'm not starving

I'm not taking more medication that my body can handle

I'm ok

Or at least

I keep telling myself that...

And I wish you would talk to me

because you shouldn't be the one to just listen

I've been there before

I know what it's like

talk to me

even if I don't understand the situation

I'm here for you

just like you're here for me

but maybe I'm delusioned

maybe I'm creating a false reality for myself

and it's not like I haven't done that before

because I have

I'm ok

but not ok

I know you aren't truly ok

you're just as broken as I am

so let me try to help you

even if I can't really help myself

let me try

just like you've been here for me

don't leave me to be the only one getting help

you deserve it 

just like I do

you're ok

but not ok

I'm ok

but not ok

we're in this together

it's a two way street

not a one way alley 

talk to me

you're ok

but not ok

I'm ok

but not ok

we can lean on each other you know