I hit that point again

I hit the point again. I sat in bed this weekend, staring at the bottle of Hypnotiq that sits next by my bed (in place of the 9 bottles of vodka and the full bottle of Jack Daniels that sit in front of my copies of Harry Potter and Dante's Inferno) and wondering if I combined it with a shit ton of pills from the Advil bottle that sits in a cupboard in the kitchen, if it'd finally work. I hit that point again and I haven't been there in so long... I thought  had been doing okay but I guess not. Everything is hitting me hard in the face again and I just didn't know what to do. I wanted it to go away, to end, and I started to think that trying again would fix everything.

I shouldn't have reopened those wounds. I shouldn't be exploring the relationship that was the tipping point to everything else that was balanced precariously on top of me.

But then I heard a little squeak. I looked at Chewie (my guinea pig) and I began to think. What would he think if his mommy suddenly disappeared and never came back??? Who would take care of him??? Would my parents still want him if I was gone? And I realized that I was the only mommy he really knew and I couldn't just leave my baby all alone in this world. I can't...

And it reminded me that I still had people to see and meet this summer and in my life beyond. It reminded me that not only do I have my little baby to love and cuddle and take care of, that I need to see Nick Pitera again. I need to see Corey Vidal again. I need to meet Peter Hollens and hug him and tell him how much his kind words on one of his blog posts about his cover of Mad World means to me. I was reminded me that I need to get tattooed by a short list of people and that I need to see the world...

It didn't bring me totally out of my funk, but it definitely pushed back the thoughts, hearing Chewie squeak at me to tell me he needed/wanted food. Revisiting such an awful memory and what it did to me for my life drawing classes was probably not a good idea... but it's art and maybe it'll be a good therapy for me.