As the school year draws to a close, I find myself procrastinating on papers, like usual, and musing over things and people and the adventures I've had.
I've said goodbye, finally, to the person who hurt me most in the world, even when he was the most important to me. Justin, I love you. I will always love you. But you knew this and you twisted it into something so very dark and twisted. You used it against me for 6 years and now here I am, hurting and trying to fit the pieces back together. I was ready to give up my whole life to you. I already gave you my heart and soul. And now I've been forced to say goodbye because I was tired of being hurt by you. I was tired of loving someone who consistently changed his mind about me, was tired of loving someone who wasn't going to love me back.
I've also realized that I dream of certain people when I'm stressed out. I've realized how much my soul yearns for them when I'm tired, overworked, overbooked on my schedule, stressed, and ready to just sit on the floor and cry for hours like a baby. At night, when I do get the few hours of sleep that I can manage, I find them in my dreams. Not together, because that'd be weird, but one dream features one person, another dream features the other. I wake up the next day with a sharp pain of longing in my chest for them and how I felt in the dreams with them.
At the beginning of the school year, I use to think that I needed someone to lean on to hold me up. But I've realized that I'm perfectly capable of holding myself up and together, as long as I believed in myself. I don't know when this change occurred or why it occurred glad that it did happen.
Nothing in this makes sense because I did not sleep last night. I closed at work, got home close to 3am and didn't go to bed. So now I'm tired and cranky and not making sense
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