Vlogumentary! A Review

After 3 long years, Vlogumentary is out! Now for those of you who may not know, Vlogumentary is a youtube documentary about well.. vlogging (video blogging). Three years ago, Shay Butler (Shaytards) and Corey Vidal (ApprenticeA Productions) came up with an idea to create a documentary about vlogging and the stories of the people who started the game. An Indiegogo campaign was created, the funds were raised, and Corey and his team did a road trip around the United States filming for this project. Originally, they wanted to do it and have it done in a year. It took three. Eventually, Morgan Spurlock and his team came in and finished the project. It was released today on Youtube Red, and I have to say, it was worth the wait! I have been waiting excitedly for this day to come, and also a bit nervous. But my expectations were blown out of the water! There were a couple of things that bugged me a tiny bit but overall, I really really enjoyed Vlogumentary (and let me tell you, the positives of the film outweigh the negatives)

POSITIVES!

There are so many positives for me! First off, I think the story was brilliantly told. I think it showed the evolution of vlogging from the beginning to where it is now and how it has grown. I think that each of the stories that had gotten told throughout the documentary were well thought out. It flowed well between the stories and everybody's journey through vlogging. I think it helps convey the massive impact that these youtubers have on viewers lives and it helps show how youtube has become as big as it is.

Originally, I was going to list Gaby Dunn in my negatives. I knew she was from Buzzfeed (because I had seen some of her videos from there) but when it was announced that her story was being told, I was confused. I didn't really understand why she was being included. But after watching Vlogumentary, I get it now. She is a vlogger, maybe not in the type of vlogging that I enjoy, but I know that there are different types of vlogging and I know (now especially) that she is a vlogger. I liked that they included her in this because it shows that not every youtuber is as rich as people would like to think. I liked that we were shown that she does work other jobs to try and make ends meet while making videos. I relate to that because I'm a painting major at school. I know that I'm going to have to be working other jobs until I really start to consistently sell artwork. So I was able to relate to her...

Also I felt that the evolution of the documentary felt natural. It took 3 years to be completed and I know that I am so very grateful for that length of time. There are a lot of things in there that wouldn't have been included if they really did complete it in a year!

NEGATIVES!

I really only have two negatives! First one is (and someone can correct me if I'm wrong and just missed something...) I really wish we had seen more of the "Where are they now" type things. We know where Shay and his family are now and what has happened with them, and how Charles is now engaged for the second time. But I want to know... Where is Alli Speed? What is she up to? (I mean, I do follow her vlogs but you know... I wish she had been included a tiny bit more at the end instead of just a couple of clips from her vlogs). I just want to know a bit more about where everyone is now in their lives and how their youtubing has changed since the beginning of this project.

Second! I wish that there was more inclusion of the original footage show. I follow the ApprenticeA vlogs (ApprenticeEh) and I followed the road trip journey. I wish more of that footage had made it in. I kind of want to know what Shay's childrens' interviews ended up being like. I want to know what his parents and siblings said. What did Charles' parents say? What about Alli Speed's parents? What about We The Kings? I know they got interviewed... (PLEASE NOTE! This is a minor negative for me because I understand that not all the footage could make it in otherwise it'd probably be 6+ hours long XD Not hating! I'm just curious)

All in all, it blew my mind. I laughed, and I cried. It was a journey for everyone and I'm glad that this story was told as well as it was. :) I tip my hat to Shay and Corey for starting this. I tip my hat to Corey and his team for spending 3+ months traveling in a giant van, doing the original filming instead of being at home in the magical land of Canada. I tip my hat to everyone involved because I think this is a story that needs to be told and everyone worked together to get it told. I loved it. I know I'll end up watching it over and over again for years to come and I'm thrilled that I was able to help in a very small way and be apart of it in a tiny way :)

Meeting the beautiful human beings that are Peter and Evynne Hollens

So this last week I got to spend an incredible 8 days, 7 nights in Anaheim, California, one of my absolute favorite places on this planet! I was in town visiting friends, going to Disneyland, as well as attending the amazing VidCon, a big YouTube convention that has happened for the last 7 years. This year, I was finally able to accomplish a major goal of mine!

This last weekend I had the immense pleasure and honor of meeting two incredibly talented and sweet people that have ever walked on this earth, Peter and Evynne Hollens. If you do not know who either of those people are, you should just go look them up on YouTube (I'll provide links to my favorite videos of theirs). I knew they'd be sweethearts, just based on their interactions with people on twitter and on Patreon and in the comment sections of their videos but man... all of my expectations of these two beings were just blown out of the waters. 

So if you don't know the story of my first VidCon (AKA Last year's Vidcon), essentially Peter was one of the youtubers I really wanted to meet. And it felt like whatever higher power/deity/God is up there was telling the universe that he wanted play a game and see how many times I could miss Peter by literal seconds (it always seemed like anyways). Last year I wasn't super desperate to meet him but I really was disappointed by not meeting him because he's incredibly talented and I could tell that he has a really sweet soul about him and I really like having people like that in my life and I just wanted to meet him so I could tell him that. (I'm sorry but I go off on a long, but related, tangent here...)

Last year (a few days after my 21st birthday actually), Peter had posted a video of him covering Mad World. Earlier this year he had posted a blog post about it, talking about his struggle with depression and that sort of thing. Long story short, I essentially left an incredibly long comment telling this virtual stranger that I looked up to my story and my struggle with depression and the scars and fears it has left me with. Well, I wasn't expecting a response at all. I really wasn't. I've learned over the years that opening up would typically not lead to anything or anywhere but I felt something tell me to tell Peter my story in the comment section of this blog post. Hours later, I was sitting in the computer lab at school, trying to mentally get ready for another critique in my life drawing (I think it was a critique day... or something was going to happen in class and I was really dreading it)... I just happen to check my email and I saw I had a response... from Peter... to that comment. 

It honestly not only made my jaw drop, but it also brought tears to my eyes reading what he said. I have a screen shot of it on my phones, favorite, so I can read it every day when I wake up and when I go to sleep and when I'm standing at the edge between sanity and sinking back into that dark dark hole that depression is...

Anyways this year it became incredibly important for me to meet Peter. I had to tell him thank you in person. I just... there was nothing more important to me this year happening at VidCon than getting to tell someone thank you for giving me the most encouraging words I've ever received, and not telling me the same thing that my high school teachers and counselors told me ("you should go get professional help" "you should really look into getting medicated" etc). 

First day of VidCon. I went to a panel and was waiting for my friend to show up because we were there to see one of my absolute favorite humans ever moderate a panel on how not to make a film (long story short she never showed) when I got a text from one of the girls I was sharing a hotel room with. It was a photo of Peter doing an interview in the Patreon lounge on the creator level. Accompanied with that photo was something along the lines of "You should get over here now! We found Peter!" I was anxiously waiting for my friend so she could hold my seat while I ran over to the lounge for  a second to meet Peter when I got a text from my friend that she wasn't coming and then right after that my other friend/roommate for the weekend sent me a text saying that he had already left the lounge. I sat in my seat thinking "Oh great. Here we go again." I think I even tweeted something about it that both Peter and Patreon favorited and the Patreon twitter page even told Peter to fix it (the fact that I hadn't met him yet). All day I just kept thinking "if it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to happen and I'll just live with that." Fast forward to the next day... Peter was on a panel with Nick Pitera, Mike Tompkins, and Taylor Davis talking about being musicians on YouTube (it was a a Q and A and it was really fascinating :D) Afterwards we all kind of gathered in the hallway and the panelists were out there meeting those of us that went to the panel and whatnot and suddenly I found myself a couple of people away from Peter. I could feel my mind go immediately into panic mode, so much so that I almost walked away.

It got... emotional. I knew it would be too much to hope to get through a VidCon without crying (I cried last year meeting one of my female role models... different story for a different day). But as I'm standing in front of this human being who is not only so incredibly gifted with a talent that so very few people have, but is also incredibly blessed with this gift of love and compassion and understanding and joy for his followers/fans, telling him just how much his response meant to me... I definitely cried. Everything around me was a blur with the exception of Peter because all I could do was focus on him (I definitely got tunnel vision). Next thing I knew he was hugging me and then we were taking a photo together and I just... I turned around and started walking towards Evynne. It really felt like time had slowed down so I could enjoy that moment with Peter, sped up again as I walked towards where Evynne was talking with a couple of people, before slowing down again so I could enjoy a moment with Evynne. 

Evynne was just... a total doll. She was even more beautiful in person and literally even more sweet! I just can't help but gush about her and her personality and how her laughter and smile just can warm anyone's soul. For real though... it's amazing! She recognized me from all the comments and stuff I leave on Nick Pitera's stuff and all my tweets and comments and things (I guess being a fan girl pays off sometimes...). I don't totally remember what we talked about exactly but we talked about Hamilton (she got fairly excited when I showed her my tattoos with my two favorite Hamilton lyrics on my arms... I think XD Sick brain doesn't want me to properly remember things right now), Anastasia, and other things. And at one point Evynne, Nick, and I were talking about Anastasia and how it has a bit of a small, cult following and I brought up how my other favorite Dreamworks film, Road to El Dorado, also has a small cult following to the point where I've only really seen a youtuber by the name of Jonathan Young cover anything from that movie. She got really excited and we talked about Jonathan Young for a minute, even telling Nick about him (because Jonathan Young is super amazing and his arrangements of songs and stuff is just... wow!)

The next day we had an unoffical/official HollensFamily meetup (unofficial because it wasn't actually associated with VidCon, even though it happened while at VidCon, official because well Peter and Evynne set it up). At this point I've realized that I've failed to mention that Peter has actually been pretty sick all week... Sick enough to where Evynne took him to Urgent Care that Saturday morning :( Poor guy :/ I honestly wouldn't have been upset if he had just decided to stay home and not come to VidCon at all because he wanted to sleep and get rid of whatever he had... but he was also such a trooper by coming... We met them at a Starbucks at one of the hotels and then found a little patio area outside where we sat and just kind of talked and quietly enjoyed each other's company. Evynne did the majority of the talking while Peter just kind of sat there and let the medicine kick in, which is fine. I was just enjoying being in the presence of those two and enjoying a quiet hour away from the craziness of the convention center/VidCon. My introvertness was kicking me really hard in the shins and I really just enjoyed sitting there. It was a very quiet, relaxing moment. Sitting there, I got to observe something up close... 

(Photo credit to HollensFamily Member, David Gonzales)

I won't lie... I never thought I'd ever get to observe these two together... But being in such a small group that included these two... I got to see first hand the deep love and admiration that these two wonderful human beings have for each other and it was awe inspiring... 

Anyways that's basically it.... I'm still in shock that it actually happened and that these two just kind of blew my mind... 

I'm not much of a person of faith. In fact, I haven't been to church since I was 13 years old. But I do have a firmly belief that there is some kind of higher power/deity/God up there. I have a very firm belief that they direct us to those we are meant to meet and to the forks in the roads where we make our decisions (good and bad). I firmly believe that I was directed to Peter and Evynne when that higher power felt it was time for me to find their youtube videos. Their music came into my life when I was standing on that line between sanity/normalicy and that dark hole of insanity and depression again (a hole that's hard to climb out of, where terrible things happen...) two years ago. I'll forever be grateful that I've been able to enjoy their music that they put out into the world. They are far too sweet, kind, and caring to those of us who love and appreciate their work. As I told them at the meet up "we found you because of the music. We stayed because of how much you truly care about us". Peter and Evynne totally just blew me out of the water with their kindness, warmth, and generosity with us at VidCon. These are people who are a dime a dozen, people who are genuine with their personality and have more raw talent in their pinky toe than some people have in their entire bodies. They are people that you can't ever replace. And they gave us a bit of something that can never really truly be replicated. Ever. 

Favorite Peter Covers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yymS1Pb7JfM I See Fire (Originally sung by Ed Sheeran for The Hobbit)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25qfzAcnqHw Mad World (Originally sung by Gary Jules/ Tears for Fears)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6qd_diN7KQ Epic Goofy Medley (Performed with Stuart Edge)

Favorite Evynne Covers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnS_yUOaGSQ Fight Song (Originally Sung by Rachel Platten)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tfVXIKk_GM Shut Up and Dance Mash Up (Shut Up and Dance mashed up with Video Killed the Radio Star) (Performed with Nick Pitera)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6id8Sa_SO-w Stitches (Originally sung by Shawn Mendes)

Favorite Duet(s) of Peter and Evynne: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j6mT_0xUeo 1989 in Four Minutes (All the songs from Taylor Swift's album, 1989)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7Gx6CBnWhc The Prayer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGMgdmrlZHM A Thousand Years (Originally sung by Christina Perri for Breaking Dawn Part One)

I hit that point again

I hit the point again. I sat in bed this weekend, staring at the bottle of Hypnotiq that sits next by my bed (in place of the 9 bottles of vodka and the full bottle of Jack Daniels that sit in front of my copies of Harry Potter and Dante's Inferno) and wondering if I combined it with a shit ton of pills from the Advil bottle that sits in a cupboard in the kitchen, if it'd finally work. I hit that point again and I haven't been there in so long... I thought  had been doing okay but I guess not. Everything is hitting me hard in the face again and I just didn't know what to do. I wanted it to go away, to end, and I started to think that trying again would fix everything.

I shouldn't have reopened those wounds. I shouldn't be exploring the relationship that was the tipping point to everything else that was balanced precariously on top of me.

But then I heard a little squeak. I looked at Chewie (my guinea pig) and I began to think. What would he think if his mommy suddenly disappeared and never came back??? Who would take care of him??? Would my parents still want him if I was gone? And I realized that I was the only mommy he really knew and I couldn't just leave my baby all alone in this world. I can't...

And it reminded me that I still had people to see and meet this summer and in my life beyond. It reminded me that not only do I have my little baby to love and cuddle and take care of, that I need to see Nick Pitera again. I need to see Corey Vidal again. I need to meet Peter Hollens and hug him and tell him how much his kind words on one of his blog posts about his cover of Mad World means to me. I was reminded me that I need to get tattooed by a short list of people and that I need to see the world...

It didn't bring me totally out of my funk, but it definitely pushed back the thoughts, hearing Chewie squeak at me to tell me he needed/wanted food. Revisiting such an awful memory and what it did to me for my life drawing classes was probably not a good idea... but it's art and maybe it'll be a good therapy for me.

Nick to David Bowie Make-Over: The process of giving a black and white portrait painting the David Bowie make over

Now let me just start this post out by saying... I had a lot of anxiety over this project thing we did in my painting class. I wasn't entirely sure I felt about taking a portrait that I really really like and changing it up/ "tattoo" it (since I had picked a portrait instead of the landscape for this project). Now let me give you this photo real quick so y'all know what I'm talking about

 

Now... I know it's not entirely the best portrait of Nick ever... there are things about it that bug me. But if I was going to actually do this part of the interlude assignment that was given to my class between finishing our Master copy paintings (blog post to come about that next week possibly. I need to fix something on the painting and get photos) and starting our final project (another 9 sq. ft painting, and we have a month of classes left!!!! O_O) where we had to "litter the landscapes" or "tattoo the portraits" we did at the very beginning of the semester and they were black and white paintings. Now, I had thought that the painting came out great and I put it away... but then yesterday came it and it was time for me to do something to it. Originally, I was going to turn him into Jafar from Aladdin but I just wasn't feeling it. And I was really really nervous, to the point of almost hyperventilating over this. I really didn't want to do this and ruin the portrait. I wouldn't be able to handle that. But anyways, I got to school at around 8am (class starts at 9 but I'm always an hour early), sitting in the computer lab. And for some reason, I found myself looking up David Bowie photos... and I got an idea in my head... Does the title of this post make sense now? 

So I decided then and there I'd give him the David Bowie makeover. Now we had the option of putting plastic wrap over the paintings if we really really loved how our black and white paintings came out and paint on top of that, take photos, and then take the plastic wrap off. I considered doing that. But as I'm sitting in class, watching every single other student in class wrap their paintings in the plastic wrap, I realized that A) I have to be different and actually paint on top of the painting and B) I'm not one to paint on top of plastic wrap, I'm someone who just totally, 100% commits to something. I had to actually paint on top of the black and white. My poor friend, Aly, had to really nudge me to get started after that because, again, I really liked my portrait and was totally afraid of ruining it and also... I was worried that Nick wouldn't like it. And as silly as it is, it's important to me that he likes it because it is a portrait of him and I want to do him justice, artist to artist and not just fan to YouTuber. 

Finally I got started. I started off simply, to really ease myself into this. 

(ignore the red bottom lip for now. For some reason I forgot to take a photo of when I just added the lightning bolt thing to his face). Okay. Lightning bolt glaze added. I was doing two things at once (which made my professor happy. Not that that really matters because he's not really checking these things...). And I liked it. So I sat staring at him for a few minutes before deciding that I needed to add something else to it. So I decided to paint Nick's lips red. Now they don't look exactly like they do in Nick's photo, which for me was kind of the point.  David Bowie sort of does these weird things to stand out and since I was giving Nick the Bowie makeover... you get the point. (Another photo I forgot to take: when the lips were done) The next addition... 

I decided to add a bit of color to Nick's eyes. Originally I was going to do just one and I was going to do it brown, like his natural eye color. But I decided that wasn't Bowie enough... so I made it red. And let me tell you something... I walked away from the painting for a few moments to go see what one of my classmates was doing, totally forgot I did the eye, came back, and scared myself with the eye XD Just about died laughing from being scared by my own painting. After this... 

I couldn't just leave the other eye not done at this point. I was sort of on a role really... So I painted it green (Fun fact: Nick's favorite color is green, if I remember correctly, which is something he and I have in common!). And I fell in love. So I put it to the side to work on some other paintings/experiments. Came back from lunch and pulled this out again and flipped it upside down because I decided the background needed a little treatment too.... Now I'm really into splattering and dripping paint and one of my classmates did something really cool with hers so I totally stole her idea for my background (with permission of course) and did this: 

That was a really fun thing to do! I love drips and splatters and things that get messy :3 It just makes painting more fun sometimes when you just sort of let loose on a piece of canvas :) So I put it away to dry again. My friend and I decided that we were so into what we were doing that we couldn't just clean up at 2:45 and go home so we stayed and continued to work... for another 2 hours and 15 minutes XD I did pull my Nick painting out again because I felt that it was missing one more thing, just a little bit of something something. I had a bunch of lime green and purple glazes that I had made for something else I had been working on and I really didn't want to waste it.... so I did this 

The painting is officially done at this point. I decided to add this to A) really bring out the red eye, B) to use up some of the glazes I had left still, C) because it makes it different enough from just the David Bowie lightning bolt that it's different, but keeps the essence of what I had in mind, and D) (this is the most important one), I feel like it really makes Nick look like Nick, even though he doesn't do weird/crazy things like this with make up. I'm totally more in love with the portrait now than I was when I started the 10 hour day I had at the school. 

Again, I'm just really nervous he's not going to like it. But... I'm still going to share this and the portrait with him and hopefully he'll like it and not think I'm bat-shit crazy (which I am but that's a whole other story we aren't going to get into... maybe one day). Anyways hope y'all enjoyed this :) 

Vidcon Blog # 1- Meeting Corey Vidal of Apprentice A

So recently this last weekend, I was in Anaheim California for a little convention thing called Vidcon. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few years now and I was finally able to do it and I'm so happy I did. Now I have three different blog posts about VidCon. One of them is an general overview of my week and how it went and what I did and will include photos of the people I met while there. Then there are two special blogs that I wanted to write and dedicate to two very amazing people that I was able to meet this weekend. The reason why these particular two gentlemen get their own blog posts is because they are the two people that I've been wanting to meet more than anyone else I follow on youtube and it's really a blog post for each of them talking about meeting them and my feelings and anything I didn't say to them in person or their letters that I feel like I need to say (and hopefully they read them). So I'm starting with these two specific blogs before doing a general blog post.

One of the two people I really desperately wanted to meet this weekend was a fine gentleman from Canada named Corey Vidal. If you do not know who he is, he is a youtuber from Toronto, Ontario, Canada who went viral in 2008 with a video called Star Wars (John Williams is the Man) (link right here if you haven't seen the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk5_OSsawz4) Now I've been following Corey ever since this video but in 2011, when I was a junior in high school, he started vlogging. At first they were weekly vlogs but then they became daily vlogs and I was hooked. Somewhere in those weeks of watching his vlogs, I became more and more interested in him and the people he worked with and lived with and I was so hooked.

Now at this time, I was having severe panic attacks and was severely depressed. I was required to go to the counseling department for my school, at minimum, twice a week to talk to someone for an hour or so, so that they could make sure I was alive and not about to kill myself. And it was a really rough time because I really didn't have friends or anyone to really talk to. I started watching his vlogs when they started and it got to the point where I realized that every single day I woke up, I was waking up because I really wanted to see what crazy thing that Corey and his friends did, or what cool thing they got involved in or whatever it was. I don't know what hit me but I started wanting to wake up and see his vlogs. Yes I wanted to watch Charles Trippy's vlogs and eventually the Shaytards vlogs too but Corey was someone I really wanted to see every single day and I started ticking off the days that I was still alive and breathing by watching the vlogs, and before I knew it... it had been a whole year. It had been a year and I was down to a visit to the counseling department at school once every two to three weeks (if that). And I was still so hooked on their vlogs.

Fast forward to this last weekend. I finally met Corey. I actually met Corey Vidal!

It was the craziest, most surreal moment of my life. I had been looking for him as I walked the expo hall and visited panels and what not, kind of not expecting to see him because of how many people were at VidCon. But my friend and I were standing outside the Hilton, trying to figure out where we were going to meet our other friends for dinner when I looked up from my phone and all I see is him and the rest of Apprentice A. Immediately I stepped into the street and got his attention. From there it was all a blur, an out of body experience for me. The two things that I do remember very very clearly is that A) he has an amazing smile and brilliantly blue-green (in this photo his eyes look very green but I've seen his eyes blue before) eyes and B) he gave me some of the best hugs that I have EVER gotten in my entire life!

I had been wanting to meet Corey for four years now, since I woke up that one morning in July (yes it took me from January when he started vlogging to July) and realized that I was waking up each and every single morning so I could mark another day of living by watching this man's vlogs. His story is not mine to tell but his videos are available for you to view as he has told us the story himself, but in a way we've had similar experiences (although also very different life experiences at the same time). I love him from the bottom of my heart and I know I'll always be supporting him in whatever he does because, although he didn't know it at the time, he is one of the reasons why I'm still alive today and was able to go to VidCon this year and meet him. I'll never be able to thank him enough for it. 

I guess this is my big "coming out" story

So... I'm almost 21. Two months to go. IDK what to say because the title of this post says it all. I guess this is going to be my big "coming out" thing.

See the thing is, I was never in the closet. I never understood why I had to make a big deal about being bisexual and why I had to "come out of the closet". I still don't understand it. But that's how society is. We as a society are so divided on this topic that anytime someone has a coming out story/moment, it's a big deal. Why can't we just have it so that love is love and coming out doesn't have to be a thing? Why can't society let people just be them and love freely without having the feel scared to let the world know that they love boys or girls or both and everyone in between?

Anyways, yes. I like boys and I like girls. Don't like it? Don't be in my life. I am who I am. I love who I love. Deal with it. I was never in the closet because I never felt the need to hide it. My policy was "if you are curious, ask and I'll be honest with you. Until then... well you'd find out the first time I introduced you to my girlfriend after having had a string of boyfriends."

Another thing: yes. I dated boys and only boys up until now. But I know I'm bisexual because I had my very first kiss with a girl. And the feeling it gave me scared me, but mostly because I was 12 years old and didn't understand feelings at that time. But I had my second kiss ever when I was 14 and it was a boy and I realized I liked it just as much as the kiss with the girl (although, to this day I think I enjoyed the kiss with the girl just a bit more than the boy). And a few more years passed before I totally confirmed what I already knew. I had kissed a few more boys in the years between my first two kiss and the present day. But I totally, 100% confirmed something I already knew when I shared my second kiss with a girl. And it was amazing! I don't know when I'll have my first girlfriend because I'm still looking but I'll know when I meet HER

So, this is my coming out story. Take me or leave me (as to quote my favorite musical, RENT) because I'm never going to change.

P.S: don't tell me to pick one side or another. It'll never happen. You can't sit there and tell me I can only like boys or only like girls. I like who I like and I know this for a fact.

Who Am I?

Who am I

but a girl struggling

do I like just boys

or just girls

or both

I tell everyone that asks both for now

but what if I just like girls? 

none of the boyfriends have worked at

and I look at girls a lot more than I use to 

my first kiss was with a girl

my second was with a boy

and one of my last kisses was with a girl

who am I? 

who do I like?